Husband and Wife Jokes II
CRUMPLED MONEY
While enjoying their evening cocktails, the wife asks her husband,
in a very seductive voice, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all
crumpled up?" "No," said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons
of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by
a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar
bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled
approvingly.
She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled
up?”
"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and
seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out
a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a
little quicker with anticipation.
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled
up?”
He said, "No!," trying to hide his anticipation.
She said, "Check the garage."
While enjoying their evening cocktails, the wife asks her husband,
in a very seductive voice, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all
crumpled up?" "No," said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons
of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by
a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar
bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled
approvingly.
She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled
up?”
"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and
seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out
a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a
little quicker with anticipation.
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled
up?”
He said, "No!," trying to hide his anticipation.
She said, "Check the garage."
Lotto Winner!!!!!!!!!!!
At breakfast, the husband says to his wife, “What would you do if I won the Lotto?”
“ I’d take my half and leave you,” she says.
“Great,” he says. “Here's $6. I won $12 yesterday! Stay in touch.”
At breakfast, the husband says to his wife, “What would you do if I won the Lotto?”
“ I’d take my half and leave you,” she says.
“Great,” he says. “Here's $6. I won $12 yesterday! Stay in touch.”
IN THE SAME VANE
My Dear husband:
I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you.
I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years & I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new nightie. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Wife.
Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving to New Zealand together! Have a great life!
REPLY:
Dear Ex-wife,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true you & I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & bitching. Too bad that doesn't work any more.
I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!' Since my father raised me not to say anything, if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment......and when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten prawns for 7 years.
About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $299.99 price tag was still on it, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $300 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I won the $20 million Lotto on Saturday; I left my job & bought 2 tickets for us to Paris............But when I got home you were gone
Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me. So take care.
Signed,
Your Rich As Hell & Free Ex-Husband!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla.
I hope that's not a problem.
I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you.
I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years & I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new nightie. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Wife.
Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving to New Zealand together! Have a great life!
REPLY:
Dear Ex-wife,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true you & I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & bitching. Too bad that doesn't work any more.
I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!' Since my father raised me not to say anything, if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment......and when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten prawns for 7 years.
About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $299.99 price tag was still on it, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $300 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I won the $20 million Lotto on Saturday; I left my job & bought 2 tickets for us to Paris............But when I got home you were gone
Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me. So take care.
Signed,
Your Rich As Hell & Free Ex-Husband!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla.
I hope that's not a problem.
Subject: Fwd: Sheer negligee
A husband walks into 'Victoria's Secret' to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price… the more sheer, the higher the price.
Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.
$200 Bucks
A guy goes over to his buddy's house, rings the bell, but his buddy's wife answers. "Hi is Tony home?" "No, he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" "No, come in." They sit down and the friend says "You know, Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell, It's worth one hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws 100 bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful. I must see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together." Nora thinks about this and says what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. She feels bad for him, so she pushes her breasts into his face for a moment and she let's him have a few squeezes. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and he leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know your weird friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about this for a second and asks, "Well, ... did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
source: http://www.jokes4us.com/moreadultjokes/200bucksjoke.html
A guy goes over to his buddy's house, rings the bell, but his buddy's wife answers. "Hi is Tony home?" "No, he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" "No, come in." They sit down and the friend says "You know, Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell, It's worth one hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws 100 bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful. I must see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together." Nora thinks about this and says what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. She feels bad for him, so she pushes her breasts into his face for a moment and she let's him have a few squeezes. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and he leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know your weird friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about this for a second and asks, "Well, ... did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
source: http://www.jokes4us.com/moreadultjokes/200bucksjoke.html
LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT
Doug Pender lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him.
He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."
"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier."
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center.
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bay side on Blackwater Sound."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."
The wife replies, "The asshole had a paper route."
Thanks Art B.
Doug Pender lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him.
He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."
"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier."
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center.
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bay side on Blackwater Sound."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."
The wife replies, "The asshole had a paper route."
Thanks Art B.
Subject: The Hunt
I had everything planned and had told my wife I would not be going to church with her on Sunday. My wife reminded me that Sunday was the Sabbath Day and hunting a trophy buck should not be part of the Sabbath.
1. I had scouted the area all summer.
2. I searched out the best location for my tree stand.
3. I set it all up a month ahead of time.
4. I trailed the herd.
5. I picked out a trophy buck.
6. Two days before opening day I rechecked every aspect of the hunt.
7. Everything was in place.
8. Sunday morning, I woke up at 2 am.
9. I put on my camo, loaded my pack, set out for my stand.
10. This was destined to be an "Epic" hunt.
11. As I approached my deer stand.
I had everything planned and had told my wife I would not be going to church with her on Sunday. My wife reminded me that Sunday was the Sabbath Day and hunting a trophy buck should not be part of the Sabbath.
1. I had scouted the area all summer.
2. I searched out the best location for my tree stand.
3. I set it all up a month ahead of time.
4. I trailed the herd.
5. I picked out a trophy buck.
6. Two days before opening day I rechecked every aspect of the hunt.
7. Everything was in place.
8. Sunday morning, I woke up at 2 am.
9. I put on my camo, loaded my pack, set out for my stand.
10. This was destined to be an "Epic" hunt.
11. As I approached my deer stand.
I called my wife and told her I had decided not to hunt on the Sabbath and would meet her at church.
The Sunday sermon was entitled, "The Lord Works In Mysterious Ways ".
(Thanks to Art B.)
The Sunday sermon was entitled, "The Lord Works In Mysterious Ways ".
(Thanks to Art B.)
Start with a Woman's Perfect Breakfast...
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
Keep reading-they get better!!!
WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
KEEP READING ALL THE WAY TO THE BOTTOM.
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
LOTS MORE TO ENJOY...KEEP SCROLLING DOWN FOR A WHILE.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'
He addressed the man,
'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
LOTS MORE TO LAUGH AT...
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?'
He answers, 'You see, it's like this: yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.'
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
KEEP ON READING .
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
MORE AND MORE YET TO ENJOY.
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words
women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to
repeat everything to men.'
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
KEEP ON GOING.
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!'
SCROLL DOWN SOME MORE...
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.'
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and
besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS.'
YEP, THERE IS SOME MORE...
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he
had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
KEEP ON SCROLLING DOWN...
God may have created man before woman, but there is
always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH
AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT! THIS IS THE END!!!
Thanks Lynne
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
Keep reading-they get better!!!
WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
KEEP READING ALL THE WAY TO THE BOTTOM.
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
LOTS MORE TO ENJOY...KEEP SCROLLING DOWN FOR A WHILE.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'
He addressed the man,
'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
LOTS MORE TO LAUGH AT...
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?'
He answers, 'You see, it's like this: yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.'
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
KEEP ON READING .
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
MORE AND MORE YET TO ENJOY.
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words
women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to
repeat everything to men.'
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
KEEP ON GOING.
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!'
SCROLL DOWN SOME MORE...
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.'
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and
besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS.'
YEP, THERE IS SOME MORE...
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he
had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
KEEP ON SCROLLING DOWN...
God may have created man before woman, but there is
always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH
AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT! THIS IS THE END!!!
Thanks Lynne