Airplane Jokes
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, nonstop from New York to Dublin. The weather head is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax...
"OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in the rear of the plane yelled, "BeJesus That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, nonstop from New York to Dublin. The weather head is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax...
"OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in the rear of the plane yelled, "BeJesus That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
SMART FLIGHT ATTENDANT
A 50-something year old Muslim man arrived at his seat on a crowded flight and immediately didn't want the seat.
The seat was next to an elderly white woman reading her Bible.
Disgusted, the Muslim man immediately summoned the flight attendant and demanded a new seat.
The man said"I cannot sit here next to this infidel."
The flight attendant said "Let me see if I can find another seat."
After checking, the flight attendant returned and stated
"There are no more seats in economy, but I will check with the captain and see if there is something in first class."
About 10 minutes went by and the flight attendant returned and stated
"The captain has confirmed that there are no more seats in economy,
but there is one in first class.
It is our company policy to never move a person from economy to first class,
but being that it would be some sort of scandal to force a person to sit next to anUNPLEASANT person,
the captain agreed to make the switch to first class."
Before the irate Muslim man could say anything, the attendant gestured to the elderly woman and said,
"Therefore, madam, if you would so kindly retrieve your personal items,
we would like to move you to the comfort of first class as the captain doesn't want you to sit next to an unpleasant person."
Passengers in the seats nearby began to applaud while some gave a standing ovation.
I say, can I get an Amen to that!
A 50-something year old Muslim man arrived at his seat on a crowded flight and immediately didn't want the seat.
The seat was next to an elderly white woman reading her Bible.
Disgusted, the Muslim man immediately summoned the flight attendant and demanded a new seat.
The man said"I cannot sit here next to this infidel."
The flight attendant said "Let me see if I can find another seat."
After checking, the flight attendant returned and stated
"There are no more seats in economy, but I will check with the captain and see if there is something in first class."
About 10 minutes went by and the flight attendant returned and stated
"The captain has confirmed that there are no more seats in economy,
but there is one in first class.
It is our company policy to never move a person from economy to first class,
but being that it would be some sort of scandal to force a person to sit next to anUNPLEASANT person,
the captain agreed to make the switch to first class."
Before the irate Muslim man could say anything, the attendant gestured to the elderly woman and said,
"Therefore, madam, if you would so kindly retrieve your personal items,
we would like to move you to the comfort of first class as the captain doesn't want you to sit next to an unpleasant person."
Passengers in the seats nearby began to applaud while some gave a standing ovation.
I say, can I get an Amen to that!
The Airline Pilot Comedy Sketch
The Airline Pilot Comedy SketchBack when comedy was funny as hell and Dean Martin was just cool. Featuring Ken Lane and Foster Brooks. It was very hard for Dean to keep a straight face during this sketch.
The Airline Pilot Comedy SketchBack when comedy was funny as hell and Dean Martin was just cool. Featuring Ken Lane and Foster Brooks. It was very hard for Dean to keep a straight face during this sketch.
Mother & Daughter Are on a Plane...
Mother & daughter are on a plane. Daughter asks mother, "Mommy, if big dogs have baby dogs & big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother stumbled and didn't have an answer for that one so she desperately looks around and replies, "I don't know sweetie, why don't you go ask that nice flight attendant, I'm sure she'll have an answer."
So the little girl goes up the the flight attendant and asks, "If big dogs have baby dogs & big cats have baby cats, then why don't big planes have baby planes?"
Immediately the flight attendant is suspicious, "Did your mother tell you to come over here and ask me that?"... "Yep", answers the little girl.
So the flight attendant thinks on it for a few seconds then kneels down to the daughters level.
"You go over there and you tell your mother it's because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time."
Mother & daughter are on a plane. Daughter asks mother, "Mommy, if big dogs have baby dogs & big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother stumbled and didn't have an answer for that one so she desperately looks around and replies, "I don't know sweetie, why don't you go ask that nice flight attendant, I'm sure she'll have an answer."
So the little girl goes up the the flight attendant and asks, "If big dogs have baby dogs & big cats have baby cats, then why don't big planes have baby planes?"
Immediately the flight attendant is suspicious, "Did your mother tell you to come over here and ask me that?"... "Yep", answers the little girl.
So the flight attendant thinks on it for a few seconds then kneels down to the daughters level.
"You go over there and you tell your mother it's because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time."
David Tynan O'Mahony (6 July 1936 – 10 March 2005), better known as Dave Allen, was an Irish comedian.
A businessman in the first class cabin decided to chat up the drop dead, gorgeous flight attendant:
“What is your name?”
Flight Attendant:
“Angela Benz, sir”
Businessman:
“Lovely name ...any relation to Mercedes Benz?”
Flight Attendant:
“Yes sir, very close”
Businessman:
“How close?”
Flight Attendant:
“Same price."
“What is your name?”
Flight Attendant:
“Angela Benz, sir”
Businessman:
“Lovely name ...any relation to Mercedes Benz?”
Flight Attendant:
“Yes sir, very close”
Businessman:
“How close?”
Flight Attendant:
“Same price."
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said, "Watch this." He told Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm. The Policeman said, "Good boy", and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land." "Gee, that's pretty good," replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.' 'I like it!' said his seat mate.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to sh!t all over the place. The first man was disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. So he asked the Policeman, "What's going on?" The Policeman replied, "He's just found a bomb." - See more at: http://www.shortstories101.com/story/sniffer-dog-joke/#sthash.6fQtd2GW.dpuf
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said, "Watch this." He told Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm. The Policeman said, "Good boy", and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land." "Gee, that's pretty good," replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.' 'I like it!' said his seat mate.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to sh!t all over the place. The first man was disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. So he asked the Policeman, "What's going on?" The Policeman replied, "He's just found a bomb." - See more at: http://www.shortstories101.com/story/sniffer-dog-joke/#sthash.6fQtd2GW.dpuf
Parachutes
There were 5 people in an aeroplane and they were the worlds smartest man, the worlds richest man, the pilot, an old man and a little boy. There dilemma was that the plane was crashing towards earth but there were only 4 parachutes. So they started to argue who would get a chute the worlds smartest man said, 'I get a parachute because I have many more things to discover. ' and so he grabbed a chute and jumped, then the worlds richest man said he had many more things to buy and so he jumped with a chute, the pilot said that he had many more planes to fly and he also grabbed a chute and jumped, now there was only the old man and the little boy with only one parachute left. The old man said to the little boy 'you go I've lived a longer life and after everything I've done I deserve to die.' The little boy said 'That's okay because the worlds smartest man took my back pack.'
source: http://www.jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/pilotjokes.html
There were 5 people in an aeroplane and they were the worlds smartest man, the worlds richest man, the pilot, an old man and a little boy. There dilemma was that the plane was crashing towards earth but there were only 4 parachutes. So they started to argue who would get a chute the worlds smartest man said, 'I get a parachute because I have many more things to discover. ' and so he grabbed a chute and jumped, then the worlds richest man said he had many more things to buy and so he jumped with a chute, the pilot said that he had many more planes to fly and he also grabbed a chute and jumped, now there was only the old man and the little boy with only one parachute left. The old man said to the little boy 'you go I've lived a longer life and after everything I've done I deserve to die.' The little boy said 'That's okay because the worlds smartest man took my back pack.'
source: http://www.jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/pilotjokes.html
As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.” Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.” “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
An engineer and a programmer
rA programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.
The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.
The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.
The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!"This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.
The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.
Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers--all to no avail.
After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
rA programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.
The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.
The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.
The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!"This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.
The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.
Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers--all to no avail.
After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.