Golf Jokes
Golfing on Christmas Day
Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies, and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, Christmas morning arrives, and they were all on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy, this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a big diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it".
Number 2 guy says, "My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says, "Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they all had lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such an expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said: ‘Well Babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf’, and she said, 'Take a sweater' ".
Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies, and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, Christmas morning arrives, and they were all on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy, this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a big diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it".
Number 2 guy says, "My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says, "Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they all had lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such an expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said: ‘Well Babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf’, and she said, 'Take a sweater' ".
The Honest Golfer
An older golfer was hitting his ball from near a water hazard and his
club fell into the water.
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?
The golfer replied that his club had fallen into the water and he
needed the club to have a chance to win the tournament and
supplement his meager pension.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden club.
"Is this your club?" the Lord asked. The golfer replied, "No.
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver club.
"Is this your club?" the Lord asked. Again, the golfer replied, "No.
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron club.
"Is this your club?" the Lord asked. The golfer replied, "Yes.
"The Lord was pleased with the golfer's honesty and gave him
all three clubs to keep, and the golfer went home happy.
Sometime later, the golfer was walking with his wife along the
water hazard, and she fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him,
"Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my woman has fallen into the water!
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Kate Upton.
"Is this your woman?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the golfer.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The golfer replied, "Oh, forgive me Lord. It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'No' to Kate Upton, you would have come up
with Jennifer Anniston. Then if I said 'No' to her, you would have come
up with my woman. Had I then said 'Yes,' you would have given me all
three. And Lord, I am an old man not able to take care of all three
women in a way that they deserve ... that's why I said 'Yes' to Kate Upton.
And God was pleased.
The moral of this story is: If a golfer ever tells a lie, it is for a good
and honorable reason and only out of consideration for others!
An older golfer was hitting his ball from near a water hazard and his
club fell into the water.
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?
The golfer replied that his club had fallen into the water and he
needed the club to have a chance to win the tournament and
supplement his meager pension.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden club.
"Is this your club?" the Lord asked. The golfer replied, "No.
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver club.
"Is this your club?" the Lord asked. Again, the golfer replied, "No.
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron club.
"Is this your club?" the Lord asked. The golfer replied, "Yes.
"The Lord was pleased with the golfer's honesty and gave him
all three clubs to keep, and the golfer went home happy.
Sometime later, the golfer was walking with his wife along the
water hazard, and she fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him,
"Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my woman has fallen into the water!
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Kate Upton.
"Is this your woman?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the golfer.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The golfer replied, "Oh, forgive me Lord. It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'No' to Kate Upton, you would have come up
with Jennifer Anniston. Then if I said 'No' to her, you would have come
up with my woman. Had I then said 'Yes,' you would have given me all
three. And Lord, I am an old man not able to take care of all three
women in a way that they deserve ... that's why I said 'Yes' to Kate Upton.
And God was pleased.
The moral of this story is: If a golfer ever tells a lie, it is for a good
and honorable reason and only out of consideration for others!
Golf in Heaven
Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven.
Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don’t hit the ducks in your first three months here.
The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks, “The ducks?”
“Yes”, St. Peter replies, “There are millions of ducks walking around the course and if one gets hit, he quacks then the one next to him quacks and soon they’re all quacking to beat the band and it really breaks the tranquility. If you hit the ducks, you’ll be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy.”
Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large numbers of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit a duck. The duck quacked, the one next to it quacked and soon there was a deafening roar of duck quacks.
St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks, “Who hit the duck?”
The guy who had done it admitted, “I did.”
St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man’s right hand to the homely woman’s left hand. “I told you not to hit the ducks,”, he said. Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.”
The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman. St.Peter cuffed the man’s right hand to the homely woman’s left hand.
“I told you not to hit the ducks,” he said; “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.”
The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn’t even move for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months of this he still hadn’t hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months and had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled to the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.
The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a contented sigh and wondered aloud, “I wonder what I did to deserve this?”
The woman responds, “I don’t know about you, but I hit a duck.”
(Thank you Art B.....keep them coming)
Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven.
Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don’t hit the ducks in your first three months here.
The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks, “The ducks?”
“Yes”, St. Peter replies, “There are millions of ducks walking around the course and if one gets hit, he quacks then the one next to him quacks and soon they’re all quacking to beat the band and it really breaks the tranquility. If you hit the ducks, you’ll be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy.”
Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large numbers of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit a duck. The duck quacked, the one next to it quacked and soon there was a deafening roar of duck quacks.
St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks, “Who hit the duck?”
The guy who had done it admitted, “I did.”
St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man’s right hand to the homely woman’s left hand. “I told you not to hit the ducks,”, he said. Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.”
The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman. St.Peter cuffed the man’s right hand to the homely woman’s left hand.
“I told you not to hit the ducks,” he said; “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.”
The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn’t even move for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months of this he still hadn’t hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months and had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled to the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.
The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a contented sigh and wondered aloud, “I wonder what I did to deserve this?”
The woman responds, “I don’t know about you, but I hit a duck.”
(Thank you Art B.....keep them coming)
Thanks Art B.
Golf Panties....
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. 'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded. 'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..'
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers Why not?' She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.' Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.. 'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any. 'The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.... Tidy yerself up a bit.'
Golf Panties....
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. 'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded. 'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..'
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers Why not?' She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.' Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.. 'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any. 'The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.... Tidy yerself up a bit.'
A GOLFERS LOVE STORY
An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband
reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said,
" Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I
have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful
to me ? "
Martha replied, " Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've
been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always
for a good reason. ”
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, " I never
suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ' good reasons ' ? "
Martha said, " The first time was shortly after we were married, and
we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the
mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker
and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended ? "
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, " I can forgive you
for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time ? "
Martha asked, " Do you remember when you were so sick, but we
didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed ?
Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did
the surgery at no charge. "
" I recall that, " said Henry. " And you did it to save my life, so of
course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time. "
" All right, " Martha said. " So do you remember when you ran for
President of your golf club, and you needed 53 more votes ? "
Do You Believe In Genies?
A couple was golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar homes.
On the third tee, the husband said, “Honey be very careful when you drive the ball. Don’t knock out any windows, it will cost a fortune to fix.”
The wife teed off and shanked it right through the window off the biggest house on the course.The husband cringed and said, “I told you to watch out for the houses. Lets go apologize, and see how much this is going to cost.”
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, “Come in.”
They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man sitting on the couch said, “Are you the people that broke that window?”
“Yes, sorry about that,” the husband replied.
“No actually I want to thank you. I’m a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish and keep one for myself.”
“OK, great!” the husband said. “I want a million dollars a year for life.”
“No problem, its the least I could do. And you, what do you want?” the genie said, looking at the wife.
“I want a house in every country in the world,” said the wife.
“Consider it done,” the genie replied.
“And what is your wish, genie?” the husband asked.
“Well since I have been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.”
The husband looked at the wife and said, “Well we did get a lot of money, and all those houses, honey. I guess I don’t care.” It was OK with the wife too.
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over the, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife and asked, “How old are you and your husband?”
“He’s 35 and I’m 33,” she replied. “
And you both believe in genies? That’s amazing....”
A couple was golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar homes.
On the third tee, the husband said, “Honey be very careful when you drive the ball. Don’t knock out any windows, it will cost a fortune to fix.”
The wife teed off and shanked it right through the window off the biggest house on the course.The husband cringed and said, “I told you to watch out for the houses. Lets go apologize, and see how much this is going to cost.”
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, “Come in.”
They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man sitting on the couch said, “Are you the people that broke that window?”
“Yes, sorry about that,” the husband replied.
“No actually I want to thank you. I’m a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish and keep one for myself.”
“OK, great!” the husband said. “I want a million dollars a year for life.”
“No problem, its the least I could do. And you, what do you want?” the genie said, looking at the wife.
“I want a house in every country in the world,” said the wife.
“Consider it done,” the genie replied.
“And what is your wish, genie?” the husband asked.
“Well since I have been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.”
The husband looked at the wife and said, “Well we did get a lot of money, and all those houses, honey. I guess I don’t care.” It was OK with the wife too.
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over the, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife and asked, “How old are you and your husband?”
“He’s 35 and I’m 33,” she replied. “
And you both believe in genies? That’s amazing....”
ALL GOLFERS BEWARE
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."
(another one from Art B.)
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."
(another one from Art B.)
Golfing Mishap
One day I accidentally overturned my golf buggy.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise, came out, and called: "Are you okay? What's your name?"
"Its Phil and I’m Okay, thank you," I replied.
"Phil, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted. She was very pretty, very sexy, and persuasive and, I was weak.
"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a few restorative brandies, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host: "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."
"Don't be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile: “She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Under the cart,,,,"
(E-mailed by Art B.)
"Phil, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted. She was very pretty, very sexy, and persuasive and, I was weak.
"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a few restorative brandies, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host: "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."
"Don't be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile: “She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Under the cart,,,,"
(E-mailed by Art B.)
A Golf Story:
John, who lived in the north of England,decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn.
So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
‘I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked,"Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?'
‘Yes, I do,' said Shawn
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look,I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'
‘She just died and left me everything.'
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?...
You know you smiled…now keep that smile for the rest of the day.
(Sent by Liz W.)
Some funny thoughts on golf.
1. These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow. ~ Sam Snead
2. I was three over today: One over a house, one over a patio and one over a swimming pool.. ~ George Brett
3. Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that. ~ Jim Murray
4. The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie. ~ Mickey Mantle
5. Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them. ~ Kevin Costner
6. I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
7. After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
8. The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree. ~ Brian Weis
9. Swing hard in case you hit it. ~ Dan Marino
10. My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered . ~ Lord Robertson
11. Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. ~ Jack Benny
12. There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground. ~ Ben Hogan
13. Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best. ~ Jack Nicklaus
14. The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law. ~ H. G. Wells
15. I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course. ~ Billy Graham
16. If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Bob Hope
17. While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. ~ Henny Youngman
18. You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work. ~ Lee Trevino
(thanks again vampire g)
1. These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow. ~ Sam Snead
2. I was three over today: One over a house, one over a patio and one over a swimming pool.. ~ George Brett
3. Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that. ~ Jim Murray
4. The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie. ~ Mickey Mantle
5. Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them. ~ Kevin Costner
6. I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
7. After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
8. The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree. ~ Brian Weis
9. Swing hard in case you hit it. ~ Dan Marino
10. My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered . ~ Lord Robertson
11. Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. ~ Jack Benny
12. There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground. ~ Ben Hogan
13. Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best. ~ Jack Nicklaus
14. The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law. ~ H. G. Wells
15. I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course. ~ Billy Graham
16. If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Bob Hope
17. While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. ~ Henny Youngman
18. You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work. ~ Lee Trevino
(thanks again vampire g)
Subject: Worst Golf Foursome Ever....
WORST GOLF FOURSOME EVER
1. MONICA LEWINSKY 2. O. J. SIMPSON 3. TED KENNEDY 4. BILL CLINTON
WHY, YOU ASK?
Well, you're going to love this!
1. MONICA IS A HOOKER
2. O. J. IS A SLICER
3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER, AND
4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST
1. MONICA LEWINSKY 2. O. J. SIMPSON 3. TED KENNEDY 4. BILL CLINTON
WHY, YOU ASK?
Well, you're going to love this!
1. MONICA IS A HOOKER
2. O. J. IS A SLICER
3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER, AND
4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST
The Ninth Hole
One day three golfers were playing a round of golf. They were on the ninth hole near the highway getting ready to tee off. One of the golfers had his club in mid swing when he noticed a funeral procession coming up the highway. He lowered his club and took off his hat as he stood there reverently waiting for it to pass. The other two golfers followed suit and all three stood quietly until the last car was out of sight. The first golfer then made a beautiful drive right down the middle of the fairway. "You know Jack?" One of the other golfers said. "That was really nice the way you waited for that funeral procession to pass." Well I felt it was the least I could do." Jack responded. "After all she was my wife and she did give me 30 of the best years of her life.
One day three golfers were playing a round of golf. They were on the ninth hole near the highway getting ready to tee off. One of the golfers had his club in mid swing when he noticed a funeral procession coming up the highway. He lowered his club and took off his hat as he stood there reverently waiting for it to pass. The other two golfers followed suit and all three stood quietly until the last car was out of sight. The first golfer then made a beautiful drive right down the middle of the fairway. "You know Jack?" One of the other golfers said. "That was really nice the way you waited for that funeral procession to pass." Well I felt it was the least I could do." Jack responded. "After all she was my wife and she did give me 30 of the best years of her life.
WALKING THE GRASS
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass."
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
This level of sensitivity can't be taught.
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass."
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
This level of sensitivity can't be taught.
Subject: Fwd: Fw: Fwd: HAHAHAHA good one
All she wanted was the truth...
Wife
--"Where the hell have you been? You said you'd be done with golf by noon."
Husband
--"I'm so sorry Honey....but you probably don't want to hear the reason."
Wife
--"I want the truth, and I want it NOW!"
Husband
--"Fine. We finished in under 4 hours; a quick beer in the Clubhouse’'. I hopped into the car, and would have been here by 12 noon but on the way home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat tire. I changed it in a jiffy, and next she's offering me money. Of course I refuse it, then she tells me she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton and begs me to stop by so she can buy me a beer. She's such a sweetie, I said yes. Before you know it, one beer turned into three or four, and I guess we were looking pretty good to each other. Then she tells me she has a room right there at the Sheraton, less than 50 steps from our table. She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by the hand. Now I'm in her room...clothes are flying...the talking stopped...and we proceeded to have sex in every way imaginable. It must have gone on for hours, because before I know it, the clock says 5:30. I jump up, throw my clothes on, run to the car, and here I am. There. You wanted the truth... You got it.
Wife--"Bullshit! You played 36 holes, didn't you?"
Subject: Fwd: Fw: Fwd: HAHAHAHA good one
All she wanted was the truth...
Wife
--"Where the hell have you been? You said you'd be done with golf by noon."
Husband
--"I'm so sorry Honey....but you probably don't want to hear the reason."
Wife
--"I want the truth, and I want it NOW!"
Husband
--"Fine. We finished in under 4 hours; a quick beer in the Clubhouse’'. I hopped into the car, and would have been here by 12 noon but on the way home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat tire. I changed it in a jiffy, and next she's offering me money. Of course I refuse it, then she tells me she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton and begs me to stop by so she can buy me a beer. She's such a sweetie, I said yes. Before you know it, one beer turned into three or four, and I guess we were looking pretty good to each other. Then she tells me she has a room right there at the Sheraton, less than 50 steps from our table. She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by the hand. Now I'm in her room...clothes are flying...the talking stopped...and we proceeded to have sex in every way imaginable. It must have gone on for hours, because before I know it, the clock says 5:30. I jump up, throw my clothes on, run to the car, and here I am. There. You wanted the truth... You got it.
Wife--"Bullshit! You played 36 holes, didn't you?"
David Letterman's Top 10 Reasons
Why Golf Is Better Than Sex...
#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
#09... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#08... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#07... Foursomes are encouraged.
#06... You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#05... Three times a day is possible.
#04... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#03... If you live in Florida, you can do it almost every day.
#02... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex......
#01... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!
Why Golf Is Better Than Sex...
#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
#09... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#08... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#07... Foursomes are encouraged.
#06... You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#05... Three times a day is possible.
#04... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#03... If you live in Florida, you can do it almost every day.
#02... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex......
#01... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!
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