Maybe you just like funny jokes!
Just Funny Jokes II
(All contributions are greatly appreciated...as you can see, most of my material comes to me from friends like you)
To add a little levity to your day…here are
THE 2013 PLUMBER OF THE YEAR AWARDS - FINALISTS
"This is a classic"
(Thank you Helen G.)
THE 2013 PLUMBER OF THE YEAR AWARDS - FINALISTS
"This is a classic"
(Thank you Helen G.)
How does this even get past the planning phase?
Hmmmmm.
Apparently, you don't want anyone seeing your face,
but everything else is okay? And the purpose for the door is?
Very Classy! And, only three steps when you're in a hurry!
|
&%$@#
Should have measured twice!
The oak seat is a nice touch, though.
This stall is for people that have arms like an Orangutan..
This would be the "half bath" noted in the real estate listing?
|
(Drum roll.)
AND THE PLUMBER OF THE YEAR AWARD GOES TO.
AND THE PLUMBER OF THE YEAR AWARD GOES TO.
Brilliant.
MERGER TIPS FOR 2017:
For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2017:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally....
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang
For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2017:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally....
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang
DEFINITIONS BY GENDER
THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female: Any part under a car's hood. Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
BUTT (but) n Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger." Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female: A desire to get married and raise a family. Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female: A good movie, concert, play or book. Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion. Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2and1/2 min.for more Jokes like this visit
http://www.jokerz.com/
THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female: Any part under a car's hood. Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
BUTT (but) n Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger." Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female: A desire to get married and raise a family. Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female: A good movie, concert, play or book. Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion. Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2and1/2 min.for more Jokes like this visit
http://www.jokerz.com/
Now You Know
Don't wash your hair in the shower.
It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!!!
IT INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO THAT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT. WARNING TO US ALL!!!
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner! I use shampoo in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning:
"FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."
No wonder I have been gaining weight!!@!#!
Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn dish soap instead.
Its label reads:
"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE"
Problem solved!
Whoo Hoo!
Don't wash your hair in the shower.
It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!!!
IT INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO THAT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT. WARNING TO US ALL!!!
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner! I use shampoo in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning:
"FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."
No wonder I have been gaining weight!!@!#!
Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn dish soap instead.
Its label reads:
"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE"
Problem solved!
Whoo Hoo!
A Public Service Announcement
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine,
And those who don't and are always
Seen with a bottle of water in their hand;
As Ben Franklin said:
"In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 liter of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) bacteria,
Found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop annually.
However, We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or rum, whiskey or other liquor),
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of Shit .
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service.
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine,
And those who don't and are always
Seen with a bottle of water in their hand;
As Ben Franklin said:
"In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 liter of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) bacteria,
Found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop annually.
However, We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or rum, whiskey or other liquor),
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of Shit .
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service.
Grammar Kills
The village blacksmith hired an enthusiastic new apprentice willing to work long, hard hours. He instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.” The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he’s the new village blacksmith. Read more: http://www.rd.com/jokes/funny/puns/grammar-kills/#c_tag=computers-technology#ixzz3QOkZB5yA |
This is one of my favorite Grave Markers
Old Cemeteries
A truly Happy Person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. And, one who
can enjoy browsing old cemeteries ...
Some fascinating things on old tombstones!
A truly Happy Person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. And, one who
can enjoy browsing old cemeteries ...
Some fascinating things on old tombstones!
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany , New York
Born 1903--Died 1942. Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was. ============================= On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in
East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia: Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only the good die young. ============================= In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:
Anna Wallace The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna. Clark Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna. =============================== In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
Here lies the body of Henry Blake, Stepped on the gas instead of the brake. =============================== Anna Hopewell's grave in
Enosburg Falls, Vermont : Here lies the body of our Anna, Done to death by a banana. It wasn't the fruit that laid her low, But the skin of the thing that made her go. =============================== On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket,
Massachusetts : Under the sod and under the trees, Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there's only the pod, Pease shelled out and went to God. =============================== |
In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery: Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go. ============================= In a London , England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767 ============================= In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery: Here lies Johnny Yeast. Pardon him for not rising. =============================== A lawyer's epitaph in England :
Sir John Strange. Here lies an honest lawyer, and that is Strange. =============================== In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England : On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune. =============================== THIS ONE IS EXTREMELY WELL WRITTEN:-
In a cemetery in England : Remember man, as you walk by, As you are now, so once was I. As I am now, so shall you be, Remember this and follow me. To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone: To follow you I'll not consent, Until I know which way you went. |
The following was developed as a mental assessment by the School
Of Psychiatry at Harvard University.
Courtesy of Art B.
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a
mistake.
1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.
Of Psychiatry at Harvard University.
Courtesy of Art B.
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a
mistake.
1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.
Subject: Life lessons
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and dipshit's.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
I live in my own little world, but it's OK. Everyone knows me here.
I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Left Tackle?”
I'm old, & I don't do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
I don't like political jokes. I've seen too many get elected.
The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
My Best Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team's winning.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing
If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't need the freakin' class!
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
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