Little Johnny Jokes
Johnnys real dad
One night, Little Johnny went to sleep and dreamt his Uncle Bill died. He woke up and that evening, his dad got a call saying that Uncle Bill died. The next night, Little Johnny went to sleep and dream't his Aunt Joy died. He woke up, and then that evening, his dad got a call saying that Aunt Joy died. He told his daddy, "Two days ago, I had a dream Uncle Bill died, and then yesterday, I had a dream Aunt Joy died.
His dad said, "that's just a coincidence."
The next morning he tells his dad, "I had a dream that my dad died."
His dad was terrified. He had the worst day at work and took every precaution. He didn't eat any of the food in case of food poisoning, and he drove slowly in case of a car wreck. When he finally got home, Little Johnny's mom asks him how his day at work was. "Much more horrible than your day I'm sure," his dad replied.
"I don't know," said his mom, "The milkman dropped dead on the front porch today!
One night, Little Johnny went to sleep and dreamt his Uncle Bill died. He woke up and that evening, his dad got a call saying that Uncle Bill died. The next night, Little Johnny went to sleep and dream't his Aunt Joy died. He woke up, and then that evening, his dad got a call saying that Aunt Joy died. He told his daddy, "Two days ago, I had a dream Uncle Bill died, and then yesterday, I had a dream Aunt Joy died.
His dad said, "that's just a coincidence."
The next morning he tells his dad, "I had a dream that my dad died."
His dad was terrified. He had the worst day at work and took every precaution. He didn't eat any of the food in case of food poisoning, and he drove slowly in case of a car wreck. When he finally got home, Little Johnny's mom asks him how his day at work was. "Much more horrible than your day I'm sure," his dad replied.
"I don't know," said his mom, "The milkman dropped dead on the front porch today!
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said, "But what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
You Gotta Love
Him!!
Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: No, listen carefully...If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently.If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!
A very angry Teacher: Where in the world do you get seven from?!?!?
A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a freakin' cat!!!
Thank you Liz W.
Little Johnny walks a cow through the village square. The mayor sees him and asks, “Hey Johnny, where are you going with the cow?”
“I’m taking her to the bulls so she would get pregnant,” answers Johnny.
The mayor is shocked, “Surely your father had better be doing that?”
Little Johnny thinks about it for a bit and shakes his head, “Nah, I think it’s really best left with the bulls.”
More jokes at: http://www.short-funny.com/little-johnny-jokes.php#ixzz4OCtg3W1a
“I’m taking her to the bulls so she would get pregnant,” answers Johnny.
The mayor is shocked, “Surely your father had better be doing that?”
Little Johnny thinks about it for a bit and shakes his head, “Nah, I think it’s really best left with the bulls.”
More jokes at: http://www.short-funny.com/little-johnny-jokes.php#ixzz4OCtg3W1a
Little Johnny’s Story
Little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. “Mommy, Mommy, I was at the playground and Daddy and....” Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy....”
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.” At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.
He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, “then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jack used to do when Daddy was in the Army.”
Little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. “Mommy, Mommy, I was at the playground and Daddy and....” Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy....”
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.” At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.
He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, “then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jack used to do when Daddy was in the Army.”
A LESSON IN GOVERNMENT
A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.
''Okay then...good night'' said Little Johnny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!''
A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.
''Okay then...good night'' said Little Johnny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!''
LITTLE JOHNNY... KNOW IT ALL
Little Johnny asks his mother her age.
She replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.
Again his mother replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
The boy then asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?"
To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and sends him to his room.
On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.
Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"
Little Johnny asks his mother her age.
She replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.
Again his mother replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
The boy then asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?"
To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and sends him to his room.
On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.
Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"
Which One's Married?
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
- See more at: http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/sex-jokes#sthash.BJ6fNNMY.dpuf
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
- See more at: http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/sex-jokes#sthash.BJ6fNNMY.dpuf
LITTLE JOHNNY... DEFINITE DEFINITION
The preschool teacher says, "We're going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"
Mary raises her hand and exclaims, "Me me me!"
The teacher says, "Go ahead, what's the sentence?
Mary replies, "The sky is definitely blue."
"That's good, Mary," says the teacher, "but the sky can also be gray or white."
Sam raises his hand and states, "Grass is definitely green."
The teacher says, "That's good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too."
Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, "Do farts have lumps in them?"
The teacher says, "No Johnny, why do you ask that?"
Little Johnny replies, "Well, I definitely sh*t my pants."
The preschool teacher says, "We're going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"
Mary raises her hand and exclaims, "Me me me!"
The teacher says, "Go ahead, what's the sentence?
Mary replies, "The sky is definitely blue."
"That's good, Mary," says the teacher, "but the sky can also be gray or white."
Sam raises his hand and states, "Grass is definitely green."
The teacher says, "That's good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too."
Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, "Do farts have lumps in them?"
The teacher says, "No Johnny, why do you ask that?"
Little Johnny replies, "Well, I definitely sh*t my pants."
A LESSON IN MORALS
One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't f**k with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't f**k with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
LITTLE JOHNNY'S HALLOWEEN
Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all of his Halloween candy in his mouth. An old lady came over and said. "Son, don't you know that eating all of that candy will rot your teeth, give you acne, and make you sick?"
"My grandfather lived to be 105 years old!" replied Johnny.
"Did he eat five candy bars at a sitting?" the old lady retorted.
"No," said Johnny, "but he minded his own freakin' business."
Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all of his Halloween candy in his mouth. An old lady came over and said. "Son, don't you know that eating all of that candy will rot your teeth, give you acne, and make you sick?"
"My grandfather lived to be 105 years old!" replied Johnny.
"Did he eat five candy bars at a sitting?" the old lady retorted.
"No," said Johnny, "but he minded his own freakin' business."
A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."
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