Men Jokes
Subject: Fw: Then My Dog Bit Me
I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it
down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst
into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry.
I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I
was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking
lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I
left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another
man ... and then my dog bit me."
"So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it
all. I buy a drink; I drop a capsule in it and sit here watching the
poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
But, Hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"
I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it
down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst
into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry.
I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I
was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking
lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I
left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another
man ... and then my dog bit me."
"So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it
all. I buy a drink; I drop a capsule in it and sit here watching the
poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
But, Hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"
Old age ain't for wimps...but it beats dying young.
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.
He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.Those people walk just like that."
The other student says:
"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.
They approached him
And one of the students said to him,
"We're medical students and couldn't help
But notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have..
Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said,
"I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said
" Well, I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.
He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.Those people walk just like that."
The other student says:
"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.
They approached him
And one of the students said to him,
"We're medical students and couldn't help
But notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have..
Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said,
"I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said
" Well, I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"
A guy and his date are parked out in the country away from town, when they start kissing and fondling each other. Just then, the girl stops and sits up. “What’s the matter?” asks the guy. She replies, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a prostitute, and I charge $100 for sex.” The man thinks about it for a few seconds, but then reluctantly gets out a $100 bill, pays her, and they have sex. After a cigarette, he just sits in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren't we going anywhere?” asks the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before,” replies the man, “but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $50.
http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/sex-jokes/9 |
An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The old man didn't budge. The usher became more impatient "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police. The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?" "Fred," the old man moaned. "Where you from, Fred?" asked the police officer. With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied; "The balcony"....... |
How to stop a small town gossip.......
Mildred, the small town gossip and self-appointed monitor of church morals, was always one to stick her nose into other people's business. Most members of the congregation did not approve of her intrusions, but she was feared, so all maintained their silence.
She took that fatal step too far one day, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the small town's only bar all afternoon. She emphatically told Frank (in front of several others) that EVERYONE SEEING THAT PICKUP THERE WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING!
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment then just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home ....and left it there all night. Enough said!
Mildred, the small town gossip and self-appointed monitor of church morals, was always one to stick her nose into other people's business. Most members of the congregation did not approve of her intrusions, but she was feared, so all maintained their silence.
She took that fatal step too far one day, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the small town's only bar all afternoon. She emphatically told Frank (in front of several others) that EVERYONE SEEING THAT PICKUP THERE WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING!
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment then just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home ....and left it there all night. Enough said!
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
At Our Age.......
SEX AT 73
Just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can have sex at 73.
I'm so happy, because I live at number 71.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have to cross the road!
~~~~~
Answering machine message, "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
~~~~~
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses
without your glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders,
but it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
~~~~~
A spire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
For those that prefer to think that God is not watching over us....go ahead and delete this. For the rest of us...pass this on!
Just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can have sex at 73.
I'm so happy, because I live at number 71.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have to cross the road!
~~~~~
Answering machine message, "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
~~~~~
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses
without your glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders,
but it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
~~~~~
A spire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
For those that prefer to think that God is not watching over us....go ahead and delete this. For the rest of us...pass this on!
Reality:
After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at Hooter's to see some friends and have some hot Wings and ice tea.
After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.
I told him "The one who knows how to fix elevators".
I'm old, I'm tired, and I pee a lot.
Girl challenges boy to a pissing contest..to see who could piss highest on the wall..
"Since I'm the girl, I'll go first" she says..so she hunches her hips...squirts about 3 feet up the wall.
Guy says.." Is that all?? I can beat that easy.." So he reaches down to grab hold..
She interrupts..
"Uh huh..no hands.."
"Since I'm the girl, I'll go first" she says..so she hunches her hips...squirts about 3 feet up the wall.
Guy says.." Is that all?? I can beat that easy.." So he reaches down to grab hold..
She interrupts..
"Uh huh..no hands.."
"I bet you 20 bucks I can bite my eye."
An old man is sitting quietly at a bar drinking whisky. After an hour of steady drinking, he leans over and says to the young man next to him, "I bet you 20 bucks I can bite my eye." Obviously this is impossible, and seeing an opportunity to take an easy 20 off a drunk, the young man says, "Okay. You're on." The old man, whips his artificial eye out and bites it. The young man sighs at being so easily fooled and hands over $20. The old man finishes another drink and then leans over again and say, "I bet you 100 bucks I can bite the other eye." Now the young man knows the man can see him and doesn't have two artificial eyes. So again he says. "You're on." The old man then whips off his dentures and bites the other eye.
The man sits for a while and then calls the bartender over. "I'll bet $100 you I can piss in the glass over at the end of the bar and not spill a single drop." The bartender thinks about it and seeing the man fulfill both the other bets agrees. The man gets up on the bar, drops his pants and starts pissing everywhere. The bartender starts laughing and says "You aren't even close, why would you make a silly bet like that?" The old man finished up and says with a smile, "I just bet that man in the back there $1000 that I could piss all over the bar and you wouldn't be mad at all about it, in fact you would laugh about it."
An old man is sitting quietly at a bar drinking whisky. After an hour of steady drinking, he leans over and says to the young man next to him, "I bet you 20 bucks I can bite my eye." Obviously this is impossible, and seeing an opportunity to take an easy 20 off a drunk, the young man says, "Okay. You're on." The old man, whips his artificial eye out and bites it. The young man sighs at being so easily fooled and hands over $20. The old man finishes another drink and then leans over again and say, "I bet you 100 bucks I can bite the other eye." Now the young man knows the man can see him and doesn't have two artificial eyes. So again he says. "You're on." The old man then whips off his dentures and bites the other eye.
The man sits for a while and then calls the bartender over. "I'll bet $100 you I can piss in the glass over at the end of the bar and not spill a single drop." The bartender thinks about it and seeing the man fulfill both the other bets agrees. The man gets up on the bar, drops his pants and starts pissing everywhere. The bartender starts laughing and says "You aren't even close, why would you make a silly bet like that?" The old man finished up and says with a smile, "I just bet that man in the back there $1000 that I could piss all over the bar and you wouldn't be mad at all about it, in fact you would laugh about it."
The Pharmacist.....
A girl invites her boyfriend to come over for dinner with her parents. And tells him that after dinner, she would "do it" with him for the first time. Never having done this before, the boy goes to the local pharmacist for advice. The pharmacist gives him all the information he needs to know about protection. At the end, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy chooses the family pack, thinking that this being his first time he would be kept busy all night.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's house and joins her parents for dinner. The boy offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. After five minutes there is still no movement from the boy. Finally, after ten minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I didn't know that you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I didn't know that your father is a pharmacist.
A girl invites her boyfriend to come over for dinner with her parents. And tells him that after dinner, she would "do it" with him for the first time. Never having done this before, the boy goes to the local pharmacist for advice. The pharmacist gives him all the information he needs to know about protection. At the end, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy chooses the family pack, thinking that this being his first time he would be kept busy all night.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's house and joins her parents for dinner. The boy offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. After five minutes there is still no movement from the boy. Finally, after ten minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I didn't know that you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I didn't know that your father is a pharmacist.
THE PERFECT HUSBAND
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Babe, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes Dealers and saw the latest
models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$70,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the knobs and
whistles..Leather seats etc. .."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Margaret
and found out that the house I wanted to buy last year is back on the
market. They're asking $980,000 for it.
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what
you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too.
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, "Does anyone know who's phone this is?"
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Babe, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes Dealers and saw the latest
models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$70,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the knobs and
whistles..Leather seats etc. .."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Margaret
and found out that the house I wanted to buy last year is back on the
market. They're asking $980,000 for it.
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what
you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too.
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, "Does anyone know who's phone this is?"
Critical Thinking At Its Best!
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man:Usually about 3
Woman:How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
(This is where it gets scary !)
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.
In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Man:Correct
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account
and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No
Man: Where's your Ferrari?
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke. He asks the other guy if he has a lighter. He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter. Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?". The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie."
The first man asks "Can I make a wish? " Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing". "Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp.
A genie appears and asks the man what he wants. The man says " I want a Million Bucks ". The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head. And the guy says to the other " Your genie really sucks at hearing doesn't he?"
The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"
source: http://www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/10inchbicjokes.html
The first man asks "Can I make a wish? " Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing". "Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp.
A genie appears and asks the man what he wants. The man says " I want a Million Bucks ". The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head. And the guy says to the other " Your genie really sucks at hearing doesn't he?"
The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"
source: http://www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/10inchbicjokes.html
Three guys, stranded on a desert island,
find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish.
The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home.
The second guy wishes the same.
The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish.
The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home.
The second guy wishes the same.
The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
Why Did I Get Divorced?
Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked. |
Back on January 9th, a group of Wadesboro, North Carolina
bikers were riding east on Hwy.74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
bikers were riding east on Hwy.74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
FRANK THE MAGNIFICENT
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.
Passenger: “Who?”
Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.
”Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
Passenger: “Sounds like he was really something special.”
Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”
Passenger: “Wow, what a guy!”
Cabbie: ‘He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “How did you meet him?”
Cabbie: “I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his widow.”
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