Senior Jokes II
OLD PEOPLE...
A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the check-out counter.
A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the check-out counter.
The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.They sold her the cat food.
The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food.
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.They sold her the cat food.
The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food.
Again, the cashier said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."The little old lady went home, picked up her dog and brought it back to the store.They sold her the dog food.The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.
The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.
The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her.
So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out.
She said to the little old lady, "That smells like shit." The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper."
The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her.
So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out.
She said to the little old lady, "That smells like shit." The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper."
Don't mess with old people
e-mailed to me by Liz W.
e-mailed to me by Liz W.
Clicking Into Place
"Everything’s starting to click for me!" said my father-in-law at dinner.
"My knees, my elbows, my neck … "
"Everything’s starting to click for me!" said my father-in-law at dinner.
"My knees, my elbows, my neck … "
Grumpy Old Man (Emailed By Liz W.)
Grandma found my hidden stash...
thought it was sugar.....
Made brownies with it!
thought it was sugar.....
Made brownies with it!
Ethel checked into a motel on her 65th birthday, she was lonely, a little depressed at her advancing age so decided to risk an adventure.
She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.
He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a dime off his well-oiled buns.
She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?"
Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, so she rushed right in, "I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go at it all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready! Now how does that sound?
He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
(Thanks As Always Art B.)
She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.
He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a dime off his well-oiled buns.
She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?"
Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, so she rushed right in, "I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go at it all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready! Now how does that sound?
He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
(Thanks As Always Art B.)
DON'T MESS WITH OLD GUYS
(Thank You Liz W.)
Got my gun permit yesterday
....and went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm for home protection.
When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said,
"Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!!!
I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.
I still don't think I looked that bad .
....and went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm for home protection.
When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said,
"Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!!!
I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.
I still don't think I looked that bad .
Advice for longevity?
At Our Age.......
Senior Bus Excursions
To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the Immigration
Department will start deporting seniors (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security
and Medicare costs.
Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home. I started to cry when I thought of you. Then it dawned on me ... oh, shoot ... I'll see you on the bus.
Be sure to show this to your kids or relatives also so they know what happened to you.
Department will start deporting seniors (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security
and Medicare costs.
Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home. I started to cry when I thought of you. Then it dawned on me ... oh, shoot ... I'll see you on the bus.
Be sure to show this to your kids or relatives also so they know what happened to you.
Fifty years of wedded bliss!
After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said….
"Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 18-year-old girl.
Now I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 68-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 18-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.
After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said….
"Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 18-year-old girl.
Now I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 68-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 18-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.
My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge right into his front yard.
He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.
He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to be driving."
"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore." "You don't need a driver's license anymore?!?"
"That's right... The last time I went to see my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him 'yes,' and I handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't be needing this anymore.' So I thanked him and left!"
The IRS Audit
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a
demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite
my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,
with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six
thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee
into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere
in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt,
so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on
the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's
desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major
loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me
he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand
dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that
you'd be happy about it!'
AND THE MORAL IS: Don't Mess with Old People!!
A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out-do anyone in a feat of strength.He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. 'Why don't you put your money where your mouth is,' he said. 'I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building, that you won't be able to wheel back.' 'You're on, old man,' the braggart replied. 'Let's see you do it.' The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, 'All right, get in.'
Never mess with old people!
Never mess with old people!
Classic....
Why Older Men Don't Get Hired
Why Older Men Don't Get Hired
Job Interview:
Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"
Old Man : "Honesty!"
Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
Old Man : "I don't give a fuck what you think."
Enjoy Life - It has an expiration date.
Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"
Old Man : "Honesty!"
Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
Old Man : "I don't give a fuck what you think."
Enjoy Life - It has an expiration date.
Enjoy the ride. There is no return ticket.
(Thanks Liz W.)
(Thanks Liz W.)
George Carlin on aging!
(Absolutely Brilliant)
IF YOU DON'T READ THIS TO THE VERY END, YOU HAVE LOST A DAY IN YOUR LIFE. AND WHEN YOU HAVE FINISHED, DO AS I AM DOING AND SEND IT ON.
George Carlin's Views on Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids?
If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
'How old are you?' ' I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half.
You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back.
You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life! You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50, and your dreams are gone....
But! wait!! ! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50, and make it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that, it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80's, and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'
Then a strange thing happens.. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever, even ham radio. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's family name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND, ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
We all need to live life to its fullest each day!!
Life's journey is not to
arrive at the grave safely
in a well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways,
totally used up and worn out, shouting
'...man, what a ride!'
arrive at the grave safely
in a well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways,
totally used up and worn out, shouting
'...man, what a ride!'
ANOTHER "DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS" MOMENT........
Thanks Art B.
Thanks Art B.