Senior Jokes III
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over. |
Got my gun permit yesterday
....and went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm for home protection.
When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said,
"Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!!!
I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.
I still don't think I looked that bad .
....and went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm for home protection.
When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said,
"Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!!!
I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.
I still don't think I looked that bad .
Take It With You.....
An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to be buried with his money. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church."
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full $30,000."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church."
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full $30,000."
Subject: Grandfathers Don't Know Everything
Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house
and asked, 'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same
bedroom and one is on top of the other?'
His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth.
'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse.’
‘Oh,’ Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa, it isn't called
sexual intercourse,. It's called Bunk Beds ,
And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.'
AS I AGE, I REALIZE THAT:
1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.
2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.
3. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.
4. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work.
5. The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it's like a mini-vacation.
7. The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.
8. Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound!
9. Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.
10. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
11. When the kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes."
12. At my age "getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.
2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.
3. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.
4. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work.
5. The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it's like a mini-vacation.
7. The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.
8. Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound!
9. Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.
10. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
11. When the kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes."
12. At my age "getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
TO SHARE WITH OLD FOLKS YOU MAY KNOW And Not So Old Too ......
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today. 'The bartender says' well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.
'As the woman finishes her drink the woman to her right says
'I would like to buy you a drink, too.' The old woman says 'thank you.
Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up' says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says
'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says 'thank you.
Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.
Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?
The old woman replies 'sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor...
Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today. 'The bartender says' well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.
'As the woman finishes her drink the woman to her right says
'I would like to buy you a drink, too.' The old woman says 'thank you.
Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up' says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says
'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says 'thank you.
Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.
Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?
The old woman replies 'sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor...
Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says
'Let's go upstairs and make love'
And you answer:
'Pick one, I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
On your new alligator shoes
And you're barefoot!
'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy ....
And your pacemaker opens the garage door!
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes
.. Just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down
By the doctor instead of by the police
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
.. In the parking lot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all-nighter' means not getting up
To use the bathroom.
AND
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes!
Have a good day!
Your sweetie says
'Let's go upstairs and make love'
And you answer:
'Pick one, I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
On your new alligator shoes
And you're barefoot!
'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy ....
And your pacemaker opens the garage door!
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes
.. Just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down
By the doctor instead of by the police
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
.. In the parking lot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all-nighter' means not getting up
To use the bathroom.
AND
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes!
Have a good day!
An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"
- See more at: http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/family-jokes#sthash.hUUB9M8i.dpuf
- See more at: http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/family-jokes#sthash.hUUB9M8i.dpuf
Bran Muffins
The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. 'What are the greens fees?' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven ,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man, 'this is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked..
'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied, 'you can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your fuckin' bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!'
The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. 'What are the greens fees?' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven ,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man, 'this is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked..
'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied, 'you can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your fuckin' bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!'
- Ma and Pa where rocking on the front porch when Pa turned and slapped Ma. Ma said, "What was that for?" Pa said, "For 40 years of bad sex!" Ma said, "Oh," and continued rocking. Then Ma reached over and slapped Pa. Pa said, "What was that for?" Ma said, "For knowing the difference!"
Fishing For Whiskey
“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me
four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty...'