Senior Jokes IV
Special Karaoke
At the restaurant, a sign read "Karaoke Tonight!"
Grandma studied it before asking, "What kind of fish is that?"
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief..'
DON'T MESS WITH OLD GUYS
(Thank you Liz W.)
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%.
He went back in a month and the doctor said,
'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I've changed my will three times!'
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%.
He went back in a month and the doctor said,
'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I've changed my will three times!'
An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"
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GETTING OLDER
A distraught senior citizen
phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.." |
***********************
An older gentleman was on the operating table
awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad , what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...." (I LOVE IT!) |
Ageing:
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. This is so true. I love to hear them say "you don't look that old." Thanks again Liz W.
|
---------------------------------
The older we get,
the fewer things
seem worth waiting in line for.
(Mostly because we forgot why we were waiting in line in the first place!!)
---------------------------------
Some people
try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know why
I look this way.
I've travelled a long way
and some of the roads weren't paved.
********************
When you are dissatisfied
and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.
-------------------------------
One of the many things
no one tells you about ageing
is that it is such a nice change
from being young.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
*********
First you forget names,
then you forget faces..
Then you forget to pull up your zipper...
it's worse when
you forget to pull it down.
````````````````
Two guys, one old, one young,
are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention
to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too....
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well,
maybe I can help you find her...
what does she look like?"
The young guy says,
"Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall,
with red hair,
blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra,
long legs,
and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, “Doesn’t matter,
--- let's look for yours."
(ADORABLE)
*********************
(And this final one especially for me,)
"Lord,
keep Your arm around my shoulder
and Your hand over my mouth!"
Now, if you feel this doesn't apply to you . .. . stick around awhile .. . . it will!
The older we get,
the fewer things
seem worth waiting in line for.
(Mostly because we forgot why we were waiting in line in the first place!!)
---------------------------------
Some people
try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know why
I look this way.
I've travelled a long way
and some of the roads weren't paved.
********************
When you are dissatisfied
and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.
-------------------------------
One of the many things
no one tells you about ageing
is that it is such a nice change
from being young.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
*********
First you forget names,
then you forget faces..
Then you forget to pull up your zipper...
it's worse when
you forget to pull it down.
````````````````
Two guys, one old, one young,
are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention
to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too....
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well,
maybe I can help you find her...
what does she look like?"
The young guy says,
"Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall,
with red hair,
blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra,
long legs,
and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, “Doesn’t matter,
--- let's look for yours."
(ADORABLE)
*********************
(And this final one especially for me,)
"Lord,
keep Your arm around my shoulder
and Your hand over my mouth!"
Now, if you feel this doesn't apply to you . .. . stick around awhile .. . . it will!
Leaving a Light On An elderly man visits the doctor for a checkup. "Mr. Smith, you’re in great shape," says the doctor afterward. "How do you do it?" "Well," says Mr. Smith, "I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me. For weeks now, every time I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, he turns the light on for me." Concerned, the doctor finds Mrs. Smith in the waiting room and tells her what her husband said. "I don’t think that’s anything to worry about," she says. "And on the bright side, it does explain who’s been peeing in the fridge." Read more: http://www.rd.com/jokes/funny/aging-well/leaving-a-light-on-joke/#ixzz3QOuIfT1Y |
Questions and Answers from CARP Forum
(Canadian Association of Retired People)
Q: Where can single men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them?
A:Try a bookstore, under Fiction .
Q:What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy . If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement .. When you're done, you will have a place to live .
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is that true?
Where can it be found?
A: Yes . Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt . . .. "
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-60-year-old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant .
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses .
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go bra less . It will usually pull them out . .
Q: Why should 60-plus-year-old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car .
Q: Is it common for 60-plus-year-olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem ..
Q:As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon .
Q: Where should 60-plus-year-olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads .
Q:What is the most common remark made by 60-plus-year-olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor!
(Canadian Association of Retired People)
Q: Where can single men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them?
A:Try a bookstore, under Fiction .
Q:What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy . If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement .. When you're done, you will have a place to live .
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is that true?
Where can it be found?
A: Yes . Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt . . .. "
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-60-year-old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant .
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses .
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go bra less . It will usually pull them out . .
Q: Why should 60-plus-year-old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car .
Q: Is it common for 60-plus-year-olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem ..
Q:As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon .
Q: Where should 60-plus-year-olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads .
Q:What is the most common remark made by 60-plus-year-olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor!
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