Bits Of Wisdom
How "The Little Angel On Top Of The Christmas Tree" Tradition Began
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not
produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to
feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit,
which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three
of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped
the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards
cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were
scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider
and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had
drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration,
he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds
of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get
the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the
end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched
to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with
a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't
this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would
you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the
Christmas tree. Not a lot of people know this.
How "The Little Angel On Top Of The Christmas Tree" Tradition Began
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not
produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to
feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit,
which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three
of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped
the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards
cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were
scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider
and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had
drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration,
he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds
of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get
the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the
end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched
to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with
a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't
this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would
you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the
Christmas tree. Not a lot of people know this.
The Problem with Speaking English
- Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
- Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
- Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
- Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
- Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Genesis of the Internet
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to the People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began.
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to the People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began.
The Cynical Philosopher...
Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
A recent study has found that woman who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.
If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”
I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.
Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!
The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married.
Think of this; Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he was always drunk!
Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
A recent study has found that woman who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.
If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”
I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.
Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!
The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married.
Think of this; Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he was always drunk!
A Welcomed Change of Pace
1. My goal for 2018 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go.
2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with
tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza.. I ate a pizza, are you happy ?
3. How to prepare Tofu:
a. Throw it in the trash
b. Grill some meat, chicken or fish
4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
5. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag
carpet to change the TV channel.
8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside they closed school? Yeah, Me neither.
10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.
11. I love being almost 75, I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.
12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.
13. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
14. November 4, 2018 marks the end of Daylight Saving Time. Hope you don't forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.
15. Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
Pass this along to your fellow seniors.
A Welcomed Change of Pace
1. My goal for 2018 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go.
2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with
tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza.. I ate a pizza, are you happy ?
3. How to prepare Tofu:
a. Throw it in the trash
b. Grill some meat, chicken or fish
4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
5. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag
carpet to change the TV channel.
8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside they closed school? Yeah, Me neither.
10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.
11. I love being almost 75, I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.
12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.
13. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
14. November 4, 2018 marks the end of Daylight Saving Time. Hope you don't forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.
15. Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
Pass this along to your fellow seniors.
Nothing to do with wisdom – it’s to do with memory...............
Subject: FW: Wisdom of Age !
Subject: FW: Wisdom of Age !
Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Liquor Store.
I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.
Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Liquor Store.
I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.
I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.
It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open.
She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.
With her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice,
“I'm a big believer in barter, old fellow. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"
She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.
With her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice,
“I'm a big believer in barter, old fellow. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer you got?"
****
THE "F" WORD
There are times when the 4 letter "F" word is not only desirable,
but quite frankly it can be the ONLY word in the English language
that accurately describes some situations.
Check out the following examples:
The word is 'Fear' of course!
Never too old to learn?? (Thank you Liz W.)
The History of the Middle Finger:
Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified.
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and they began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentalfricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'
And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing. Didn't yew!!
The History of the Middle Finger:
Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified.
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and they began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentalfricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'
And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing. Didn't yew!!
words of wisdom from maxine......
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES: THESE REALLY WORK!! (Thanks Art B.)
1. TO AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES, GET SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. GUYS, TO AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT- USE THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. [REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.]
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES - YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN THE STAIRS.
1. TO AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES, GET SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. GUYS, TO AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT- USE THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. [REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.]
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES - YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN THE STAIRS.
WISDOM REVISITED VS UNHEEDED TRUTH
GREAT TRUTHS
1. In my many years I have come to a
conclusion that one useless man
is a shame, two is a law firm,
and three or more is a congress.
-- John Adams
2. If you don't read the newspaper
you are uninformed, if you do
read the newspaper you are
misinformed. -- Mark Twain
3. Suppose you were an idiot. And
suppose you were a member of
Congress. But then I repeat
myself. -- Mark Twain
4. I contend that for a nation to try to
tax itself into prosperity is like a
man standing in a bucket and
trying to lift himself up by the
handle. --Winston Churchill
5. A government which robs Peter to
pay Paul can always depend on
the support of Paul. -- George
Bernard Shaw
6. A liberal is someone who feels a
great debt to his fellow man,
which debt he proposes to pay off
with your money. -- G. Gordon
Liddy
7. Democracy must be something
more than two wolves and a sheep
voting on what to have for
dinner. --James Bovard, Civil
Libertarian (1994)
8. Foreign aid might be defined as a
transfer of money from poor
people in rich countries to rich
people in poor countries.
-- Douglas Case,
Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University .
9. Giving money and power to
government is like giving whiskey
and car keys to teenage boys.
-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
10. Government is the great fiction,
through which everybody
endeavors to live at the expense
of everybody else. -- Frederic
Bastiat , French economist(1801-1850)
11. Government's view of the
economy could be summed up
in a few short phrases: If it
moves, tax it. If it keeps
moving, regulate it. And if it
stops moving, subsidize it.
--Ronald Reagan (1986)
12. I don't make jokes. I just watch
the government and report the
facts. -- Will Rogers
13. If you think health care is
expensive now, wait until you
see what it costs when it's free!
-- P. J. O'Rourke
14. In general, the art of government
consists of taking as much
money as possible from one
party of the citizens to give to
the other. --Voltaire (1764)
15. Just because you do not take an
interest in politics doesn't mean
politics won't take an interest
in you! -- Pericles (430 B.C.)
16. No man's life, liberty, or
property is safe while the
legislature is in session.
-- Mark Twain (1866)
17. Talk is cheap, except when
Congress does it. -- Anonymous
18. The government is like a baby's
alimentary canal, with a happy
appetite at one end and no
responsibility at the other.
-- Ronald Reagan
19. The inherent vice of capitalism is
the unequal sharing of the
blessings. The inherent blessing
of socialism is the equal sharing
of misery. -- Winston Churchill
20. The only difference between a
tax man and a taxidermist is that
the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-- Mark Twain
21. The ultimate result of shielding
men from the effects of folly is
to fill the world with fools.
-- Herbert Spencer, English
Philosopher (1820-1903)
22. There is no distinctly Native
American criminal class, save
Congress. -- Mark Twain
23. What this country needs are
more unemployed politicians
--Edward Langley,
Artist (1928-1995)
24. A government big enough to give
you everything you want, is
strong enough to take everything
you have. -- Thomas Jefferson
25. We hang the petty thieves and
appoint the great ones to public
office. -- Aesop
FIVE BEST SENTENCES
1. You cannot legislate the poor into
prosperity, by legislating the
wealthy out of prosperity.
2. What one person receives without
working for, another person must
work for without receiving.
3. The government cannot give to
anybody anything that the
government does not first take
from somebody else.
4. You cannot multiply wealth by
dividing it.
5. When half of the people get the
idea that they do not have to
work, because the other half is
going to take care of them, and
when the other half gets the idea
that it does no good to work
because somebody else is going to
get what they work for, that is the
beginning of the end of any nation!
Can you think of a reason for not sharing this?
Neither could I.
GREAT TRUTHS
1. In my many years I have come to a
conclusion that one useless man
is a shame, two is a law firm,
and three or more is a congress.
-- John Adams
2. If you don't read the newspaper
you are uninformed, if you do
read the newspaper you are
misinformed. -- Mark Twain
3. Suppose you were an idiot. And
suppose you were a member of
Congress. But then I repeat
myself. -- Mark Twain
4. I contend that for a nation to try to
tax itself into prosperity is like a
man standing in a bucket and
trying to lift himself up by the
handle. --Winston Churchill
5. A government which robs Peter to
pay Paul can always depend on
the support of Paul. -- George
Bernard Shaw
6. A liberal is someone who feels a
great debt to his fellow man,
which debt he proposes to pay off
with your money. -- G. Gordon
Liddy
7. Democracy must be something
more than two wolves and a sheep
voting on what to have for
dinner. --James Bovard, Civil
Libertarian (1994)
8. Foreign aid might be defined as a
transfer of money from poor
people in rich countries to rich
people in poor countries.
-- Douglas Case,
Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University .
9. Giving money and power to
government is like giving whiskey
and car keys to teenage boys.
-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
10. Government is the great fiction,
through which everybody
endeavors to live at the expense
of everybody else. -- Frederic
Bastiat , French economist(1801-1850)
11. Government's view of the
economy could be summed up
in a few short phrases: If it
moves, tax it. If it keeps
moving, regulate it. And if it
stops moving, subsidize it.
--Ronald Reagan (1986)
12. I don't make jokes. I just watch
the government and report the
facts. -- Will Rogers
13. If you think health care is
expensive now, wait until you
see what it costs when it's free!
-- P. J. O'Rourke
14. In general, the art of government
consists of taking as much
money as possible from one
party of the citizens to give to
the other. --Voltaire (1764)
15. Just because you do not take an
interest in politics doesn't mean
politics won't take an interest
in you! -- Pericles (430 B.C.)
16. No man's life, liberty, or
property is safe while the
legislature is in session.
-- Mark Twain (1866)
17. Talk is cheap, except when
Congress does it. -- Anonymous
18. The government is like a baby's
alimentary canal, with a happy
appetite at one end and no
responsibility at the other.
-- Ronald Reagan
19. The inherent vice of capitalism is
the unequal sharing of the
blessings. The inherent blessing
of socialism is the equal sharing
of misery. -- Winston Churchill
20. The only difference between a
tax man and a taxidermist is that
the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-- Mark Twain
21. The ultimate result of shielding
men from the effects of folly is
to fill the world with fools.
-- Herbert Spencer, English
Philosopher (1820-1903)
22. There is no distinctly Native
American criminal class, save
Congress. -- Mark Twain
23. What this country needs are
more unemployed politicians
--Edward Langley,
Artist (1928-1995)
24. A government big enough to give
you everything you want, is
strong enough to take everything
you have. -- Thomas Jefferson
25. We hang the petty thieves and
appoint the great ones to public
office. -- Aesop
FIVE BEST SENTENCES
1. You cannot legislate the poor into
prosperity, by legislating the
wealthy out of prosperity.
2. What one person receives without
working for, another person must
work for without receiving.
3. The government cannot give to
anybody anything that the
government does not first take
from somebody else.
4. You cannot multiply wealth by
dividing it.
5. When half of the people get the
idea that they do not have to
work, because the other half is
going to take care of them, and
when the other half gets the idea
that it does no good to work
because somebody else is going to
get what they work for, that is the
beginning of the end of any nation!
Can you think of a reason for not sharing this?
Neither could I.
Ambiguity (some good ones)
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:
1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA…FLOOR.
2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?
15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA? (This one took me a minute)
23. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
24. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
25. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
26. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
27. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
28. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
29. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
30. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
31. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?
32. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
33. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY', THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:
1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA…FLOOR.
2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?
15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA? (This one took me a minute)
23. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
24. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
25. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
26. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
27. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
28. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
29. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
30. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
31. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?
32. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
33. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY', THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?
*APROSDOKIANS* are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.
Food for thought
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I'm great at multi-tasking: I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
Take my advice; I'm not using it.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.
If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
Money is the root of all wealth.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
(Thank you Art B.)
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I'm great at multi-tasking: I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
Take my advice; I'm not using it.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.
If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
Money is the root of all wealth.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
(Thank you Art B.)
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