Doctor Jokes
~ Ear Infection~
This is so true!They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what is wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter
Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose
This is so true!They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what is wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter
Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose
The Old Man and the Beaver
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor
for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great
and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 30 year-old bride
who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Doc?
The doctor considered his question for a minute
and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an
avid hunter and never misses a season."
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his
walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large
male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't
shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."
"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.”
Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor
for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great
and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 30 year-old bride
who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Doc?
The doctor considered his question for a minute
and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an
avid hunter and never misses a season."
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his
walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large
male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't
shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."
"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.”
Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
Dr. Goldberg was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.
Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor.As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted.
The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall. He was most embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just long enough to deliver his paper.
He ignored the thunderous applause and raced out the stage door, never to return to his home town again, until many years later, when his elderly mother was ill and he returned to visit her.
He reserved a hotel room under the name of Smith and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Smith?"Dr. Goldberg replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."
"Haven't you visited since?" asked the desk clerk.
"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return.”
Trying his best to console him, the desk clerk replied "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too.”
Dr. Goldberg replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident.”
The clerk asked, "Was it a long time ago?"
Dr. Goldberg replied, "Yes, many years.”
The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Goldberg Fart?"
GASSY GRANNY
An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."
The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."
The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."
EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS
(thank you A.B.)
1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .
'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' . . . I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' . . . replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her Reporting to the rest of the family that he had Died of a 'massive internal fart'.
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one?'.... I asked. 'The patch... The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered .. . . 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . ..'So how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.' Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled ' KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit .
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled Into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . . 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name,
AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . ..
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.... To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard .. . .. 'No doctor but the song you were whistling was . .. .'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'
The doctor wouldn't submit his name...
1 MORE
Baby 's First Doctor Visit
This made me laugh out loud. I hope it will give you a smile!
A woman and a baby were in the doctor 's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby 's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed, ' she replied.. ' Well, strip down to your waist, ' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ' No wonder this baby is underweight. You don ' t have any milk. '
I know, ' she said, ' I'm his Grandma, but I 'm glad I came.
(thank you A.B.)
1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .
'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' . . . I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' . . . replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her Reporting to the rest of the family that he had Died of a 'massive internal fart'.
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one?'.... I asked. 'The patch... The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered .. . . 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . ..'So how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.' Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled ' KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit .
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled Into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . . 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name,
AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . ..
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.... To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard .. . .. 'No doctor but the song you were whistling was . .. .'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'
The doctor wouldn't submit his name...
1 MORE
Baby 's First Doctor Visit
This made me laugh out loud. I hope it will give you a smile!
A woman and a baby were in the doctor 's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby 's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed, ' she replied.. ' Well, strip down to your waist, ' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ' No wonder this baby is underweight. You don ' t have any milk. '
I know, ' she said, ' I'm his Grandma, but I 'm glad I came.
The Pharmacist.....
A girl invites her boyfriend to come over for dinner with her parents. And tells him that after dinner, she would "do it" with him for the first time. Never having done this before, the boy goes to the local pharmacist for advice. The pharmacist gives him all the information he needs to know about protection. At the end, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy chooses the family pack, thinking that this being his first time he would be kept busy all night.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's house and joins her parents for dinner. The boy offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. After five minutes there is still no movement from the boy. Finally, after ten minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I didn't know that you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I didn't know that your father is a pharmacist.
A girl invites her boyfriend to come over for dinner with her parents. And tells him that after dinner, she would "do it" with him for the first time. Never having done this before, the boy goes to the local pharmacist for advice. The pharmacist gives him all the information he needs to know about protection. At the end, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy chooses the family pack, thinking that this being his first time he would be kept busy all night.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's house and joins her parents for dinner. The boy offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. After five minutes there is still no movement from the boy. Finally, after ten minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I didn't know that you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I didn't know that your father is a pharmacist.
An unemployed engineer opens a clinic..
An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."
A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.
Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.
Doctor: "But this is $500..."
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."
An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."
A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.
Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.
Doctor: "But this is $500..."
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."
A Doctors Lecture
A Doctor was addressing a large audience. "The material we put into
our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
Read more on page: http://www.jokesoftheday.net/
A Doctor was addressing a large audience. "The material we put into
our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
Read more on page: http://www.jokesoftheday.net/
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
(Above Jokes from Liz W.)
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
(Above Jokes from Liz W.)
An old geezer became very bored in retirement from his medical practice and
decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment
for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000.
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get
$1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic. This is what transpired.
Dr. Young:
"Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, Please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days having figured out how to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline in box 22!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything !!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
Moral of story
—;
Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer " !
A Seniors Reminder....very important....don't forget your flu shot!!!!!
(and even if you are not a 'Senior'...get your shot....protects you from the flu and also protects the ones you love)
(and even if you are not a 'Senior'...get your shot....protects you from the flu and also protects the ones you love)
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