Maybe you're Jewish?
Jewish Jokes
Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
They tried to kill us. We won. Let's eat.
They tried to kill us. We won. Let's eat.
A rabbi once asked a priest, “Could you ever be promoted within your church?”
The priest says, thoughtfully, “Well, I could become a bishop.”
The rabbi persists, “And after that?”
With a pause for consideration, the priest replies, “Maybe I could be a cardinal, even.”
“And then?”
After thinking for some time, the priest responds, “Someday I may even rise to be the Pope.”
“And then?”
With an air of incredulity, the priest cries, “What more could I become? God Himself?”
The rabbi says quietly, “One of our boys made it.”
The priest says, thoughtfully, “Well, I could become a bishop.”
The rabbi persists, “And after that?”
With a pause for consideration, the priest replies, “Maybe I could be a cardinal, even.”
“And then?”
After thinking for some time, the priest responds, “Someday I may even rise to be the Pope.”
“And then?”
With an air of incredulity, the priest cries, “What more could I become? God Himself?”
The rabbi says quietly, “One of our boys made it.”
The Jewish Elbow…
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .
"What . .. . . .. You're coming empty handed.
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .
"What . .. . . .. You're coming empty handed.
A Wife's Duty
Three men were sitting around bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a Catholic woman and bragged that he had told his wife she was to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed doing at their house. He said it took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away. The second man had married a Mormon woman. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the cooking. He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, the house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married a Jewish girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry done and hot meals on the table, every day. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.
source: http://jokes4us.com/ethnicjokes/jewishjokes/jewishjokes.html
Three men were sitting around bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a Catholic woman and bragged that he had told his wife she was to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed doing at their house. He said it took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away. The second man had married a Mormon woman. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the cooking. He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, the house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married a Jewish girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry done and hot meals on the table, every day. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.
source: http://jokes4us.com/ethnicjokes/jewishjokes/jewishjokes.html
A Grizzly Conversion
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.
Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
Submitted by Mitchell Hauser
Read more: http://www.rd.com/jokes/funny/animals/a-grizzly-conversion/#c_tag=animals#ixzz3QQU2py2Y
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.
Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
Submitted by Mitchell Hauser
Read more: http://www.rd.com/jokes/funny/animals/a-grizzly-conversion/#c_tag=animals#ixzz3QQU2py2Y
Jewish Engagement
Ruth and Golda were walking along Hendon High Street. Ruth says, "My son Irving is getting married. He tells me he is engaged to a wonderful girl, but... he thinks she may have a disease called herpes. Golda says, "Do you have any idea what this herpes is, and can he catch it?" Ruth replies, "No, but I am just so thrilled to hear about Irving's engagement - it's time he settled down. As far as the herpes goes...who knows?" "Well," says Golda, "I have a very good medical dictionary at home. I'll look it up and call you." So Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth. "Ruth, I found it. Not to worry. It says herpes is a disease of the gentiles."
source: http://jokes4us.com/ethnicjokes/jewishjokes/jewishjokes.html
Ruth and Golda were walking along Hendon High Street. Ruth says, "My son Irving is getting married. He tells me he is engaged to a wonderful girl, but... he thinks she may have a disease called herpes. Golda says, "Do you have any idea what this herpes is, and can he catch it?" Ruth replies, "No, but I am just so thrilled to hear about Irving's engagement - it's time he settled down. As far as the herpes goes...who knows?" "Well," says Golda, "I have a very good medical dictionary at home. I'll look it up and call you." So Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth. "Ruth, I found it. Not to worry. It says herpes is a disease of the gentiles."
source: http://jokes4us.com/ethnicjokes/jewishjokes/jewishjokes.html
Facts About Automobile Air Conditioning!
(From A.B.)
The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner
Here's a little fact for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.
The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office.
They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.
They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.
And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --
Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.
(From A.B.)
The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner
Here's a little fact for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.
The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office.
They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.
They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.
And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --
Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.
The Rabbi Is Leaving
At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced
that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that
would pay him more. There was a hush within the congregation.
No one wanted him to leave, because he was so popular.
Fred Shapiro, who owned several car dealerships in Newton and
Brookline, stood and proclaimed, "If the rabbi will stay, I will
provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a
Honda mini-van, to transport their children!"
The congregation sighed in appreciation and applauded.
Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stood and
said, "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his
salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college
education for his children!”
There were more sighs and loud applause.
Estelle Rubin, age 88, stood and announced with a smile, "If the
rabbi will stay, I will give him sex!" There was total silence.
The rabbi, blushing, asked her, "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful
and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"
Estelle's 90-year old husband Abe was obviously trying to hide:
holding his forehead in the palm of his hand, and shaking his
head from side to side.
His wife innocently replied, "Well, I just asked my husband how
we could help, and Abe said, 'Fuck him'."
At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced
that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that
would pay him more. There was a hush within the congregation.
No one wanted him to leave, because he was so popular.
Fred Shapiro, who owned several car dealerships in Newton and
Brookline, stood and proclaimed, "If the rabbi will stay, I will
provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a
Honda mini-van, to transport their children!"
The congregation sighed in appreciation and applauded.
Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stood and
said, "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his
salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college
education for his children!”
There were more sighs and loud applause.
Estelle Rubin, age 88, stood and announced with a smile, "If the
rabbi will stay, I will give him sex!" There was total silence.
The rabbi, blushing, asked her, "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful
and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"
Estelle's 90-year old husband Abe was obviously trying to hide:
holding his forehead in the palm of his hand, and shaking his
head from side to side.
His wife innocently replied, "Well, I just asked my husband how
we could help, and Abe said, 'Fuck him'."
The Jewish Mistress:
A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
"Oh", replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw", says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that", replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours, of course!"
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress", says her husband. "Ours is prettier", the wife replies.
(From Art B.)
A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
"Oh", replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw", says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that", replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours, of course!"
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress", says her husband. "Ours is prettier", the wife replies.
(From Art B.)
The Jewish Tie Salesman
A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.
The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment. I spit on your ties. I need water!”
"Sorry, I have none, just ties - pure silk, and only $5."
I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you but . . . I must conserve my energy and find water!"
"Okay," said the little old Jewish man. “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me,or that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go In Peace."
Cursing him, the desperate Taliban staggered away, over the hill.
Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead, and gasped,
"They won't let me in without a tie!
(Courtesy of Liz W.)
A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.
The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment. I spit on your ties. I need water!”
"Sorry, I have none, just ties - pure silk, and only $5."
I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you but . . . I must conserve my energy and find water!"
"Okay," said the little old Jewish man. “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me,or that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go In Peace."
Cursing him, the desperate Taliban staggered away, over the hill.
Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead, and gasped,
"They won't let me in without a tie!
(Courtesy of Liz W.)
Jewish Comedians (Thanks Art B.)
You may or may not remember the old-time Jewish comedians: Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and many others?
Perhaps you may have only heard of them. I for one miss their kind of humor. Not a single “F”-bomb word in any of their comic routines shown below:
* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable? " The man says, "I make a good living."
* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!
* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea.
* My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.
* My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"
* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand? "The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears. " Doctor: "Don't answer!"
* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking. "The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."
*Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
* Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
*The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that the reason for this is because Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
*Why are Jewish men circumcised?
Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.
*There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from law school.
You may or may not remember the old-time Jewish comedians: Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and many others?
Perhaps you may have only heard of them. I for one miss their kind of humor. Not a single “F”-bomb word in any of their comic routines shown below:
* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable? " The man says, "I make a good living."
* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!
* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea.
* My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.
* My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"
* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand? "The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears. " Doctor: "Don't answer!"
* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking. "The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."
*Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
* Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
*The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that the reason for this is because Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
*Why are Jewish men circumcised?
Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.
*There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from law school.
Two old Jewish men, Sid and Abe, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant one day. Sid asks Abe, "Do you know if any people of our ancestry were ever born and raised in Mexico ?" Abe replies,"I don't know, let's ask our waiter."
When the waiter arrives, Abe asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?" The waiter says, "I don't know senor, I ask the cooks.
" He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, "No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews." Abe isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?" The waiter, realizing he is dealing with "Gringos" replies,
"I check once again, senor," and goes back into the kitchen. While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico . Our people are scattered everywhere." The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook Manuel, he say there is no Mexican Jews." "Are you certain?" Abe asks again. "I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!" "Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replies the exasperated waiter.
"All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Apple Jews, but no Mexican Jews."
When the waiter arrives, Abe asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?" The waiter says, "I don't know senor, I ask the cooks.
" He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, "No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews." Abe isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?" The waiter, realizing he is dealing with "Gringos" replies,
"I check once again, senor," and goes back into the kitchen. While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico . Our people are scattered everywhere." The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook Manuel, he say there is no Mexican Jews." "Are you certain?" Abe asks again. "I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!" "Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replies the exasperated waiter.
"All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Apple Jews, but no Mexican Jews."
Three samurai and a fly
Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish samurai.
"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his katana and swish, the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two. "What a feat!" said the Emperor.
"Samurai Number Two, show me what you do." The Chinese samurai bowed, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his katana and swish, swish, the fly fell to the floor neatly quartered. "That is skill!" nodded the Emperor.
"How are you going to top that, Samurai Number Three?" The Jewish samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, releasing one fly, drew his katana and swoooooosh, flourished his katana so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around!
In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."
"Dead, schmead," replied the Jewish samurai. "Dead is easy. Circumcision . . . that takes skill!"
Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish samurai.
"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his katana and swish, the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two. "What a feat!" said the Emperor.
"Samurai Number Two, show me what you do." The Chinese samurai bowed, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his katana and swish, swish, the fly fell to the floor neatly quartered. "That is skill!" nodded the Emperor.
"How are you going to top that, Samurai Number Three?" The Jewish samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, releasing one fly, drew his katana and swoooooosh, flourished his katana so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around!
In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."
"Dead, schmead," replied the Jewish samurai. "Dead is easy. Circumcision . . . that takes skill!"
Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol... ."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol... ."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
Two old Jewish guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want five loaves." She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
The old man says to himself, "I can't believe everybody knows this shit but me."
Thank you Scottyret.
The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want five loaves." She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
The old man says to himself, "I can't believe everybody knows this shit but me."
Thank you Scottyret.
Egged Bus Driver
An orthodox Rabbi dies and goes to heaven. As he's approaching the gates, he hears a band of singing and dancing angels approach, and begins to get excited. The lead angel approaches the Rabbi and asks if he would mind stepping aside for a moment. Shocked, the Rabbi does so. The angels march out of the gates and encircle a man who has also approached the gates. The man is an Egged bus driver [Egged, pronounced like egg-head without the h, is the Israeli tour bus company.] The joyous parade of angels carry the bus driver in ahead of the Rabbi. When the parade is gone, an angel returns to the Rabbi and says, "You can come in now." The angel begins to lead the Rabbi inside alone. The Rabbi, somewhat confused, says, "I'm not one to make waves or anything, but I need to know something. I think I've been a good Rabbi. I've worked hard all my life. Why is it that the Egged bus driver gets led in by a band of angels ahead of me?" The angel says, "Well, frankly, Rabbi, whenever you preached, people slept. But whenever he drove, people prayed.
source: http://www.jokes4us.com/ethnicjokes/random/ethnic347.html
An orthodox Rabbi dies and goes to heaven. As he's approaching the gates, he hears a band of singing and dancing angels approach, and begins to get excited. The lead angel approaches the Rabbi and asks if he would mind stepping aside for a moment. Shocked, the Rabbi does so. The angels march out of the gates and encircle a man who has also approached the gates. The man is an Egged bus driver [Egged, pronounced like egg-head without the h, is the Israeli tour bus company.] The joyous parade of angels carry the bus driver in ahead of the Rabbi. When the parade is gone, an angel returns to the Rabbi and says, "You can come in now." The angel begins to lead the Rabbi inside alone. The Rabbi, somewhat confused, says, "I'm not one to make waves or anything, but I need to know something. I think I've been a good Rabbi. I've worked hard all my life. Why is it that the Egged bus driver gets led in by a band of angels ahead of me?" The angel says, "Well, frankly, Rabbi, whenever you preached, people slept. But whenever he drove, people prayed.
source: http://www.jokes4us.com/ethnicjokes/random/ethnic347.html
Poker
Six Jewish men were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerowitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Goldberg, who is always a loser picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is mine middle name, leave it to me." Goldberg schleps over to the Meyerowitz apartment, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants. Goldberg declares "Your husband just lost $500." She hollers, "TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD!" Goldberg says, "I'll tell him."
source: http://www.jokes4us.com/ethnicjokes/random/ethnic412.html
Six Jewish men were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerowitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Goldberg, who is always a loser picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is mine middle name, leave it to me." Goldberg schleps over to the Meyerowitz apartment, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants. Goldberg declares "Your husband just lost $500." She hollers, "TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD!" Goldberg says, "I'll tell him."
source: http://www.jokes4us.com/ethnicjokes/random/ethnic412.html
The Jewish Quarterback
(Thank you Art B.)
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Baltimore Ravens. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect Arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Ravens go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his Mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says." You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers
were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,...
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Baltimore !!!
(Thank you Art B.)
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Baltimore Ravens. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect Arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Ravens go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his Mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says." You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers
were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,...
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Baltimore !!!
8 Days’ Worth
Mary goes to the post office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanukkah cards. “What denomination?” asks the postal clerk.
Mary thinks a second before replying, “Give me six Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.”
Mary goes to the post office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanukkah cards. “What denomination?” asks the postal clerk.
Mary thinks a second before replying, “Give me six Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.”
Our Waiter
During the first day of Hanukah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish - the colorful language of Jews who came over from Eastern Europe. A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday. The Jewish men were dumbfounded. "Where did he ever learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both thought. After they paid the bill they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, "Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"
The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else will hear and said... "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."
During the first day of Hanukah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish - the colorful language of Jews who came over from Eastern Europe. A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday. The Jewish men were dumbfounded. "Where did he ever learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both thought. After they paid the bill they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, "Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"
The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else will hear and said... "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."
Morty and Saul
Two Jews, Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking. Saul says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well." Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid. So Morty begins tugging Saul toward shore. After ten minutes, he begins to tire. Finally about 100 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?"
Saul replies, "Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!"
Two Jews, Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking. Saul says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well." Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid. So Morty begins tugging Saul toward shore. After ten minutes, he begins to tire. Finally about 100 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?"
Saul replies, "Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!"
An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:
Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old."
Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"
Man: "I never have, I am Jewish."
Father: "Then why are telling me all this?"
Man: "I’m telling everybody!"
See more at: http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/religious-jokes/2#sthash.zWDLySO9.dpuf
Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old."
Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"
Man: "I never have, I am Jewish."
Father: "Then why are telling me all this?"
Man: "I’m telling everybody!"
See more at: http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/religious-jokes/2#sthash.zWDLySO9.dpuf
A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"
He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jacob said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."
So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, "Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do."
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Israel..."
- See more at: http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/religious-jokes/3#sthash.VZ5XKHCs.dpuf
The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"
He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jacob said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."
So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, "Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do."
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Israel..."
- See more at: http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/religious-jokes/3#sthash.VZ5XKHCs.dpuf
Submitted by: Bracha Meyer
The rabbi's sermon went on and on about how important it was to forgive people and reach out to them so as not to make enemies.
"Is there anyone in this synagogue who can honestly say they have no enemies?" asked the rabbi.
Not a hand went up. But a few moments later, a very elderly lady in the back row raised her frail little hand.
"Please, come up and tell us what you have done over all these years that you can be so confident you have no enemies," asked the rabbi.
Dutifully the old woman limped up to the front of the synagogue where she explained, "I outlived 'em all."
The rabbi's sermon went on and on about how important it was to forgive people and reach out to them so as not to make enemies.
"Is there anyone in this synagogue who can honestly say they have no enemies?" asked the rabbi.
Not a hand went up. But a few moments later, a very elderly lady in the back row raised her frail little hand.
"Please, come up and tell us what you have done over all these years that you can be so confident you have no enemies," asked the rabbi.
Dutifully the old woman limped up to the front of the synagogue where she explained, "I outlived 'em all."