Political Jokes
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback.
He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy,” the coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"
The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!
He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy,” the coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"
The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!
Subject: Fwd: A Harley Biker
A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The biker replies, I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
"U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH"
.... and THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days ..
Art B.
STANDARD HOSPITAL PRICING PROCEDURE
IN A HOSPITAL, A BUNCH OF THE RELATIVES GATHERED IN THE WAITING
ROOM WHERE A FAMILY MEMBER LAY, GRAVELY ILL. FINALLY, THE
DOCTOR CAME IN LOOKING TIRED AND SOMBER.
'I'M AFRAID I'M THE BEARER OF BAD NEWS,' HE SAID AS HE SURVEYED
THE WORRIED FACES. 'THE ONLY HOPE LEFT FOR YOUR LOVED ONE AT THIS
TIME IS A BRAIN TRANSPLANT. IT'S AN EXPERIMENTAL PROCEDURE, VERY
RISKY, BUT IT’S THE ONLY HOPE. INSURANCE WILL COVER THE PROCEDURE,
BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO PAY FOR THE BRAIN.'
THE FAMILY MEMBERS SAT SILENT AS THEY ABSORBED THE NEWS.
AFTER A TIME, SOMEONE ASKED, 'HOW MUCH WILL A BRAIN COST?'
THE DOCTOR QUICKLY RESPONDED, '$5,000 FOR A REPUBLICAN’S BRAIN
AND $200 FOR A DEMOCRAT'S BRAIN.'
THE MOMENT TURNED AWKWARD. SOME OF THE REPUBLICAN
RELATIVES ACTUALLY HAD TO 'TRY' TO NOT SMILE, AVOIDING EYE
CONTACT WITH THE DEMOCRAT RELATIVES. ONE MAN, UNABLE
TO CONTROL HIS CURIOSITY, FINALLY BLURTED OUT THE QUESTION
EVERYONE WANTED TO ASK, 'WHY IS THE REPUBLICAN’S BRAIN SO
MUCH MORE THAN A DEMOCRAT’S BRAIN?'
THE DOCTOR SMILED AT THE CHILDISH INNOCENCE AND EXPLAINED
TO THE ENTIRE GROUP, 'IT'S JUST STANDARD PRICING PROCEDURE.
WE HAVE TO PRICE DEMOCRAT BRAINS A LOT LOWER BECAUSE
THEY'RE USED.'
--------------------------------------------------------------
SEND THIS TO A SMART DEMOCRAT WHO NEEDS A LAUGH,
AND TO ANY REPUBLICAN WHOM YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!
IN A HOSPITAL, A BUNCH OF THE RELATIVES GATHERED IN THE WAITING
ROOM WHERE A FAMILY MEMBER LAY, GRAVELY ILL. FINALLY, THE
DOCTOR CAME IN LOOKING TIRED AND SOMBER.
'I'M AFRAID I'M THE BEARER OF BAD NEWS,' HE SAID AS HE SURVEYED
THE WORRIED FACES. 'THE ONLY HOPE LEFT FOR YOUR LOVED ONE AT THIS
TIME IS A BRAIN TRANSPLANT. IT'S AN EXPERIMENTAL PROCEDURE, VERY
RISKY, BUT IT’S THE ONLY HOPE. INSURANCE WILL COVER THE PROCEDURE,
BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO PAY FOR THE BRAIN.'
THE FAMILY MEMBERS SAT SILENT AS THEY ABSORBED THE NEWS.
AFTER A TIME, SOMEONE ASKED, 'HOW MUCH WILL A BRAIN COST?'
THE DOCTOR QUICKLY RESPONDED, '$5,000 FOR A REPUBLICAN’S BRAIN
AND $200 FOR A DEMOCRAT'S BRAIN.'
THE MOMENT TURNED AWKWARD. SOME OF THE REPUBLICAN
RELATIVES ACTUALLY HAD TO 'TRY' TO NOT SMILE, AVOIDING EYE
CONTACT WITH THE DEMOCRAT RELATIVES. ONE MAN, UNABLE
TO CONTROL HIS CURIOSITY, FINALLY BLURTED OUT THE QUESTION
EVERYONE WANTED TO ASK, 'WHY IS THE REPUBLICAN’S BRAIN SO
MUCH MORE THAN A DEMOCRAT’S BRAIN?'
THE DOCTOR SMILED AT THE CHILDISH INNOCENCE AND EXPLAINED
TO THE ENTIRE GROUP, 'IT'S JUST STANDARD PRICING PROCEDURE.
WE HAVE TO PRICE DEMOCRAT BRAINS A LOT LOWER BECAUSE
THEY'RE USED.'
--------------------------------------------------------------
SEND THIS TO A SMART DEMOCRAT WHO NEEDS A LAUGH,
AND TO ANY REPUBLICAN WHOM YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly… and for the same reason.
When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said,"I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.
She closed the box and put it back under the bed.
Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under ourbed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."
Bill thanked her for being so understanding.
They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered: "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.
She closed the box and put it back under the bed.
Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under ourbed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."
Bill thanked her for being so understanding.
They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered: "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."
DONALD TRUMP
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East.
-Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.
-Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
-The rest of the world is in shock.
-Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace.
-Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance.
-Latin American countries are sending clothing.
-New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
-The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.
-Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.
-President Trump, not to be outdone, is sending back two million replacement Muslims.
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East.
-Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.
-Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
-The rest of the world is in shock.
-Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace.
-Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance.
-Latin American countries are sending clothing.
-New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
-The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.
-Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.
-President Trump, not to be outdone, is sending back two million replacement Muslims.
New Admititance To Heaven Policy
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair.
But her lover was nowhere in sight.. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.
Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips!
The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more.
In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir.. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in .
A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was Donald Trump. "Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." Trump said, "No problem.
But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!
Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away.
As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me.
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Trump enter.
A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says, "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died."
Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......"
Election Commentary
"I haven't left my house in days. I watch the news channels incessantly.
All the news stories are about the election.
All the commercials are for Viagra and Cialis.
Election — erection — election — erection
— either way we're getting screwed!"
Bette Midler
Thanks Art B.
All the news stories are about the election.
All the commercials are for Viagra and Cialis.
Election — erection — election — erection
— either way we're getting screwed!"
Bette Midler
Thanks Art B.
After numerous rounds of, "We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Kennedy opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message, 370HSSV-0773H. Kennedy was baffled, so he e-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. Noone could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help. Within a few seconds the Marine Corps cabled back with this reply, "Tell Kennedy he's holding the message upside down."
- See more at: http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/political-jokes/2#sthash.nXO9KPlL.dpuf
- See more at: http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/political-jokes/2#sthash.nXO9KPlL.dpuf
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine and those who don't and are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand, Ben Franklin said: "In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria."
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia Coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop annually.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine and beer (or rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
VERIFICATION: BOTH THE HOUSE AND SENATE DRINK A LOT OF WATER WHILE IN SESSION. THIS EXPLAINS THE RESULTS THEREIN. . .
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.
(Liz W.....Keep them coming Liz)
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia Coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop annually.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine and beer (or rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
VERIFICATION: BOTH THE HOUSE AND SENATE DRINK A LOT OF WATER WHILE IN SESSION. THIS EXPLAINS THE RESULTS THEREIN. . .
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.
(Liz W.....Keep them coming Liz)
Balls
INTERESTING
OBSERVATION
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is
BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level
employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line
workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is
BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management
is TENNIS.And...
6. The sport of choice for corporate
executives and officers is GOLF.
THE AMAZING
CONCLUSION: The higher you go in the corporate
structure, the smaller your balls become.There must be a boat load
of people in Washington playing marbles.
You
know you WILL
PAS
S THIS ONEON!
INTERESTING
OBSERVATION
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is
BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level
employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line
workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is
BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management
is TENNIS.And...
6. The sport of choice for corporate
executives and officers is GOLF.
THE AMAZING
CONCLUSION: The higher you go in the corporate
structure, the smaller your balls become.There must be a boat load
of people in Washington playing marbles.
You
know you WILL
PAS
S THIS ONEON!
WHETHER- Democrat or Republican, you should get a kick out of this!
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so! We call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you
The People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy! Goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies,
'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored and the
Future is in deep shit.'