Senior Jokes
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
God's Email for retirees..
One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally
retirees' behavior that was going on...
So He called His angels and sent one to earth for a time.
When the angel returned, he told God,‘Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% of retirees
are misbehaving and only 5% are not.
God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second
angel to get another opinion.' So God called another angel and sent her to earth for a time.
When the angel returned, she went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true.The earth is in decline;
95% of retirees are misbehaving, but 5% are being good...'
God was not pleased....! So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because he wanted
to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.
Thanks Art B.
ACTS 2:38 Concealed Carry
I love compassionate Christian Seniors..
A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services,
when she was startled by an intruder.
She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and
yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!' (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus
Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and
explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar:
'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to
you.'
'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38's!'
Knowing scripture
can save your life - in more ways than one!
I love compassionate Christian Seniors..
A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services,
when she was startled by an intruder.
She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and
yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!' (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus
Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and
explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar:
'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to
you.'
'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38's!'
Knowing scripture
can save your life - in more ways than one!
An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to be buried with his money. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church."
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full $30,000."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church."
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full $30,000."
An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,
"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The old man didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient "Sir, if you don't get up from there
I'm going to have to call the manager." Once again, the old man just muttered
and did nothing. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment
he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly
to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police. The officer surveyed the situation briefly
then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"
"Fred," the old man moaned.
"Where you from, Fred?" asked the police officer.
With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied;
"The balcony".......
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,
"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The old man didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient "Sir, if you don't get up from there
I'm going to have to call the manager." Once again, the old man just muttered
and did nothing. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment
he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly
to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police. The officer surveyed the situation briefly
then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"
"Fred," the old man moaned.
"Where you from, Fred?" asked the police officer.
With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied;
"The balcony".......
GETTING OLDER
A distraught senior citizen
phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.." |
***********************
An older gentleman was on the operating table
awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad , what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...." (I LOVE IT!) |
***********************
---------------------------------
The older we get,
the fewer things
seem worth waiting in line for.
(Mostly because we forgot why we were waiting in line in the first place!!)
---------------------------------
Some people
try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know why
I look this way.
I've travelled a long way
and some of the roads weren't paved.
********************
When you are dissatisfied
and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.
-------------------------------
One of the many things
no one tells you about ageing
is that it is such a nice change
from being young.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
*********
First you forget names,
then you forget faces..
Then you forget to pull up your zipper...
it's worse when
you forget to pull it down.
````````````````
Two guys, one old, one young,
are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention
to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too....
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well,
maybe I can help you find her...
what does she look like?"
The young guy says,
"Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall,
with red hair,
blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra,
long legs,
and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, “Doesn’t matter,
--- let's look for yours."
(ADORABLE)
*********************
(And this final one especially for me,)
"Lord,
keep Your arm around my shoulder
and Your hand over my mouth!"
Now, if you feel this doesn't apply to you . .. . stick around awhile .. . . it will!
The older we get,
the fewer things
seem worth waiting in line for.
(Mostly because we forgot why we were waiting in line in the first place!!)
---------------------------------
Some people
try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know why
I look this way.
I've travelled a long way
and some of the roads weren't paved.
********************
When you are dissatisfied
and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.
-------------------------------
One of the many things
no one tells you about ageing
is that it is such a nice change
from being young.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
*********
First you forget names,
then you forget faces..
Then you forget to pull up your zipper...
it's worse when
you forget to pull it down.
````````````````
Two guys, one old, one young,
are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention
to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too....
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well,
maybe I can help you find her...
what does she look like?"
The young guy says,
"Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall,
with red hair,
blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra,
long legs,
and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, “Doesn’t matter,
--- let's look for yours."
(ADORABLE)
*********************
(And this final one especially for me,)
"Lord,
keep Your arm around my shoulder
and Your hand over my mouth!"
Now, if you feel this doesn't apply to you . .. . stick around awhile .. . . it will!
AS I AGE, I REALIZE THAT:
1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.
2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.
3. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.
4. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work.
5. The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it's like a mini-vacation.
7. The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.
8. Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound!
9. Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.
10. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
11. When the kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes."
12. At my age "getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.
2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.
3. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.
4. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work.
5. The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it's like a mini-vacation.
7. The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.
8. Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound!
9. Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.
10. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
11. When the kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes."
12. At my age "getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
SUPERSEX . . .
A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
A small, elderly man slowly shuffled into an ice cream parlor and carefully pulled himself onto a stool at the counter, wincing the whole time.
After a moment of catching his breath and wiping his brow, he ordered a hot fudge sundae. Writing down his order, the waitress asked, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he breathed wearily. "Rheumatism."
After a moment of catching his breath and wiping his brow, he ordered a hot fudge sundae. Writing down his order, the waitress asked, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he breathed wearily. "Rheumatism."
A Doctors Lecture
A Doctor was addressing a large audience. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
Read more on page: http://www.jokesoftheday.net/
A Doctor was addressing a large audience. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
Read more on page: http://www.jokesoftheday.net/
. . . As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-25. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO KROGER
Yesterday I was at my local Kroger buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line
when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.What did she think, I had an elephant?
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time,
but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that
it works, is to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.Kroger won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
Yesterday I was at my local Kroger buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line
when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.What did she think, I had an elephant?
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time,
but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that
it works, is to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.Kroger won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
An older gentleman was recently stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night. He replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse, smoking, and late hours, and their effects on the human body. The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" He replied, "That would be my wife." (Thank you Scotty S.) |
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it..'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?'
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it..'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?'
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly..'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,
'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly..'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,
'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
ROMANCE . . .(Thank you Liz W.)
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck."Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!" he said.
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck."Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!" he said.
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
He replied 'Twelve thirty..'
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems
....for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again. "To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
....for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again. "To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.' |
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' (Above Jokes from Liz W.) |
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
Wife to Husband...
A wife asks her husband, Could you please go shopping for me and buy a carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6. A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had avocados." If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time. My work is done here. ----------------------------
This Is A Frightening Statistic,
Probably One Of The Most Worrisome In Recent Years! 25% of the women in this country
are on medication for mental illness. That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated. ----------------------------
Three Old Men
Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home. "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee, and most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?"
"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
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