Women Jokes
A woman goes into an ice cream parlor. She walks up to the man at the counter and says, "I'd like pint of vanilla and chocolate ice cream, please." "I'm sorry, madam," says the man, "but I'm afraid we're out of chocolate." "Oh," says the woman. "In that case I'll have some chocolate." So the man says, "No, no, madam. You don't understand. We have run out of chocolate." "Oh," replies the woman. "Then I'll just give me a chocolate cone." The man behind the counter looks at the lady and says, "OK, spell 'van,' as in 'vanilla.'" So, the woman spells "V-A-N." "All right," says the ice cream man, "spell 'straw,' as in 'strawberry. '" The woman says, "OK. S-T-R-A-W." "Good!" says the man. "Now spell 'F' as in 'chocolate.' " The woman looks at the man and says, "But there's no F' in 'chocolate.' " The man shouts, "That's what I've been trying to tell you, lady!!!"
How Quickly Time Passes
Remember
yesterday and Dream about tomorrow;
But
you better live for today!' How quickly the years
pass
Remember
yesterday and Dream about tomorrow;
But
you better live for today!' How quickly the years
pass
Now
SMILE...
SMILE...
World Women's Conference
At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up:
"At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."The crowd cheered. The second speaker from America stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well." The crowd cheered. The third speaker from Italy stood up:
"After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."
At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up:
"At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."The crowd cheered. The second speaker from America stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well." The crowd cheered. The third speaker from Italy stood up:
"After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."
Phone Etiquette (Thank Stan S.)
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone.
She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had
a long meeting. No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her mobile phone in public any longer.
LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone.
She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had
a long meeting. No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her mobile phone in public any longer.
LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Blind Cashier at Cabela's
A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this Rod and reel?
" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway...... He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
(Thank you Lynn M.)
A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this Rod and reel?
" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway...... He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
(Thank you Lynn M.)
Subject: Fwd: Creative Tax Reporting
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
"He gets her name, address, Social security number, etc. and then asks, "what's your occupation?"
"I'm a Lady of the night," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "let's try to rephrase that."
"The woman says, "ok, I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
"They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "what does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
The accountant says, "Chicken Farmer it is."
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
"He gets her name, address, Social security number, etc. and then asks, "what's your occupation?"
"I'm a Lady of the night," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "let's try to rephrase that."
"The woman says, "ok, I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
"They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "what does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
The accountant says, "Chicken Farmer it is."
Ethel checked into a motel on her 65th birthday, she was lonely, a little depressed at her advancing age so decided to risk an adventure.
She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.
He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a dime off his well-oiled buns.
She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?"
Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, so she rushed right in, "I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go at it all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready! Now how does that sound?
He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
(Thanks As Always Art B.)
She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.
He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a dime off his well-oiled buns.
She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?"
Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, so she rushed right in, "I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go at it all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready! Now how does that sound?
He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
(Thanks As Always Art B.)
Keep calm, Monika
In the supermarket was a woman pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing girl. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies. When the woman told she couldn't have any, the girl began to cry. The woman kept repeating softly: "Don't get excited Monika, don't scream Monika, don't be upset Monika, don't yell Monika, keep calm Monika."
A woman standing next to her said: "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica!"
The mother replied: "I'm Monica!”
In the supermarket was a woman pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing girl. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies. When the woman told she couldn't have any, the girl began to cry. The woman kept repeating softly: "Don't get excited Monika, don't scream Monika, don't be upset Monika, don't yell Monika, keep calm Monika."
A woman standing next to her said: "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica!"
The mother replied: "I'm Monica!”
Bitches to the End!!!
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order." The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
"Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini."
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?"
"Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."
And THAT, my friends, is what is called, "Putting Your Affairs In Order."
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.
(Thanks Art B. once more)
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order." The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
"Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini."
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?"
"Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."
And THAT, my friends, is what is called, "Putting Your Affairs In Order."
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.
(Thanks Art B. once more)
Why Women Make The Best Assassins......
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you find your wife sitting in a chair... kill her!!!' man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She Took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said, 'I had to kill him with the chair!'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She Took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said, 'I had to kill him with the chair!'
HE MUST PAY
Husband and wife had a tiff.
Wife called up her mom and said,
"He fought with me again,I am coming to live with you."
Mom said, "No darling,he must pay for his mistake.
I am coming to live with you. ----------------------------
Husband and wife had a tiff.
Wife called up her mom and said,
"He fought with me again,I am coming to live with you."
Mom said, "No darling,he must pay for his mistake.
I am coming to live with you. ----------------------------
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God
she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her
teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as
well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"
God replied: "I didn't recognize you."
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God
she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her
teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as
well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"
God replied: "I didn't recognize you."
The Little Old Lady
A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex shop and asked in a quivering voice, “Yy-youuuung man, dd-do y-you, sell-l d-didildoes h-hhhere?”
The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady’s appearance in his shop answered, “Uh, yes ma’am, we do.”
The little lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, “Dddd-do y-you ha-ave any ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?”
“Well... yes ma’am, a few of them are about that big.”
“D-do aa-ny of them ha-ave a v-v-v-vibra-a-ator?”
“Yes ma’am, one of them does.”
“W-w-ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?”
A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex shop and asked in a quivering voice, “Yy-youuuung man, dd-do y-you, sell-l d-didildoes h-hhhere?”
The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady’s appearance in his shop answered, “Uh, yes ma’am, we do.”
The little lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, “Dddd-do y-you ha-ave any ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?”
“Well... yes ma’am, a few of them are about that big.”
“D-do aa-ny of them ha-ave a v-v-v-vibra-a-ator?”
“Yes ma’am, one of them does.”
“W-w-ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?”
When my friend goes to her ATM,
She always brings along Smith and Wesson.
She has never had any problems.
She has never had any problems.
Two married women were returing in the dark from a wild party and both were suffering from urinary urgency. As they passed a cemetery they decided to let it flow right here between the graves, visually covered by the tombstones. So they kneeled down and enjoyed the relief. After they had finished they realized that they had nothing to wipe themselfs clean. So one woman decided to pull of her panty and use it as a tissue replacement. The other woman did not want to run around without her panty so she decided to use the coronal ribbon from a fresh nearby grave as a panty replacement and to wipe herself clean. Than they went home.
The next morning the husband of the woman without the panty called his friend who happend to be the husband of the other woman.
H1: I think our wifes were cheating on us last night. Mine returned home blasted and without her panty.
H2: You're a lucky man if it's just the panty. Mine returned home blasted with a banner hanging out of her ass saying "We'll never forget you!"
The next morning the husband of the woman without the panty called his friend who happend to be the husband of the other woman.
H1: I think our wifes were cheating on us last night. Mine returned home blasted and without her panty.
H2: You're a lucky man if it's just the panty. Mine returned home blasted with a banner hanging out of her ass saying "We'll never forget you!"
A Policeman Pulls Over 5 Old Ladies And The Reason Why Is Hysterical
This story begins with a cop pulling over an old lady after she catches her driving too slowly…
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.
“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
(Thank You Lynne H.)
Read more at http://www.reshareworthy.com/speeding-old-ladies-joke/#dYzsvPkGZ4tLh6VB.99
This story begins with a cop pulling over an old lady after she catches her driving too slowly…
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.
“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
(Thank You Lynne H.)
Read more at http://www.reshareworthy.com/speeding-old-ladies-joke/#dYzsvPkGZ4tLh6VB.99