Italian Jokes
Wise Italian Grandfather
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up?'"
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up?'"
When You Marry An Italian (Received 12/27/2015 -Thank you Art B.)
Subject: Never Use an Italian Lawyer
The Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money? The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about" The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido signs back, "OK.! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house." The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the "coglioni" to pull the trigger."
The Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money? The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about" The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido signs back, "OK.! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house." The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the "coglioni" to pull the trigger."
World Women's Conference
At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up:
"At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up:
"After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."
The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from Italy stood up:
"After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."
At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up:
"At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up:
"After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."
The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from Italy stood up:
"After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."
Frank Sinatra ....He was Italian
David Is To Be Returned To Italy ..
A bit of cultural news for a welcome change.
A bit of cultural news for a welcome change.
After a two year loan to the United States ,
Michelangelo's David is being returned to Italy
After a two year loan to the United States ,
Michelangelo's David is being returned to Italy
His Proud Sponsors were:
A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire." And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!" The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire." And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!" The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"
THE SAUSAGE FACTORY FIRE
One dark night in the small town of Garfield, NJ, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the first volunteer fire fightersappeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipesare in the vault in the center of the plant.
They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.'
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.
Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Lodi , NJ volunteer fire department composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the Lodi old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.
A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'
'Wella,' said Chief Pasquale De Luccinellavanti, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de fursta tinga we gonna do isza fixa de brakes on the goddamna truck!!
One dark night in the small town of Garfield, NJ, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the first volunteer fire fightersappeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipesare in the vault in the center of the plant.
They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.'
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.
Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Lodi , NJ volunteer fire department composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the Lodi old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.
A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'
'Wella,' said Chief Pasquale De Luccinellavanti, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de fursta tinga we gonna do isza fixa de brakes on the goddamna truck!!
Having An Italian Mistress
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You screw her again."
Courtesy of Sickipedia.org: http://www.sickipedia.org/racism/italian/an-18-year-old-italian-girl-tells-her-mom-that-10816#ixzz3Zna7cKUU
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You screw her again."
Courtesy of Sickipedia.org: http://www.sickipedia.org/racism/italian/an-18-year-old-italian-girl-tells-her-mom-that-10816#ixzz3Zna7cKUU
Sexa Talkin'
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
Home Lives
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight.
After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man."
When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "and how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."
Courtesy of Sickipedia.org: http://www.sickipedia.org/sex-and-shit/wife/a-frenchman-and-an-italian-were-seated-next-to-an-49045#ixzz3ZngneMPu
After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man."
When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "and how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."
Courtesy of Sickipedia.org: http://www.sickipedia.org/sex-and-shit/wife/a-frenchman-and-an-italian-were-seated-next-to-an-49045#ixzz3ZngneMPu
The Funeral
A man was leaving a 7-11 with his morning coffee and newspaper when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian guy walking a pitbull on a leash.
Behind him were 200 men walking single file. The guy couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian walking the dog and said "Sir, I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?"
The Italian replied: "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."
"What happened to her?" The man replied: "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further: "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The Italian answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
"Sir, could I borrow that dog?"
"Get in line."
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian guy walking a pitbull on a leash.
Behind him were 200 men walking single file. The guy couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian walking the dog and said "Sir, I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?"
The Italian replied: "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."
"What happened to her?" The man replied: "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further: "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The Italian answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
"Sir, could I borrow that dog?"
"Get in line."
Prouda Papa
Big Lorenzo, an Italian fella, is bragging to his friends about his sons:
"I'ma so prouda my oldest son. He maka fifty thousand dollar evra year. Hesa Engineer!"
"I even more prouda ma second son. He maka five hundred thousand dollar a year. Hesa Doctor!"
"But, I'ma da proudest a ma youngest son. He maka Five million dollar a year. Hesa Sports Mechanic!"
Paolo, his friend asks: "What's a Sports Mechanic?"
Lorenzo replies: "Wella, he can fixa everytin. He fixa da horseraces, he fixa da boxin matcha......."
"I'ma so prouda my oldest son. He maka fifty thousand dollar evra year. Hesa Engineer!"
"I even more prouda ma second son. He maka five hundred thousand dollar a year. Hesa Doctor!"
"But, I'ma da proudest a ma youngest son. He maka Five million dollar a year. Hesa Sports Mechanic!"
Paolo, his friend asks: "What's a Sports Mechanic?"
Lorenzo replies: "Wella, he can fixa everytin. He fixa da horseraces, he fixa da boxin matcha......."
New University Student
Vinnie Calabrese, right off the boat from Italy, was excited about being accepted at Harvard University. On his first day on campus, he was walking around looking for the library. He saw an upperclassman standing by a tree, walked up to him and said, "Hey paisano, coulda you tella me where isa da library at?"
The upperclassman said, "Here at Harvard we never end sentences with a preposition. Would you like to rephrase that question?"
"OK, fora you, no problem, Paisano," said the Italian.
"Tella me, do you know where isa da library at, you a SOB?"
The upperclassman said, "Here at Harvard we never end sentences with a preposition. Would you like to rephrase that question?"
"OK, fora you, no problem, Paisano," said the Italian.
"Tella me, do you know where isa da library at, you a SOB?"
Having An Affair
A wealthy American man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during a rendezvous, she confided to him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he told her he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child.
If she stayed there, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby is born.
To keep it discreet, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.
One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
The wife did as she was asked, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.
On the card was written "Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
If she stayed there, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby is born.
To keep it discreet, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.
One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
The wife did as she was asked, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.
On the card was written "Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
Lying On Da Beach
Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street."Hey, Antonio," said Luigi, "Where you been for the past two weeks? No one seen you around."
"Dona talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been inna jail."
"Jail!" exclaimed Luigi. "What for you been in jail?"
"Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna dis beach, and the cops come, arrest me and throw me inna jail."
"But dey dona throw you in jail just for lying onna da beach!", Luigi countered.
"Yeah, but dis beach was screamin' and akickin' and ayellin'!"
Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street."Hey, Antonio," said Luigi, "Where you been for the past two weeks? No one seen you around."
"Dona talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been inna jail."
"Jail!" exclaimed Luigi. "What for you been in jail?"
"Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna dis beach, and the cops come, arrest me and throw me inna jail."
"But dey dona throw you in jail just for lying onna da beach!", Luigi countered.
"Yeah, but dis beach was screamin' and akickin' and ayellin'!"
Little Italian Boy Goes to Confession
Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose woman.
The priest asks, Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?
Yes, Father, it is.
And who was the woman you were with?
I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.
Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Tina Minetti?
I cannot say.
Was it Teresa Volpe?
I'll never tell.
Was it Nina Capelli?
I'm sorry, but I cannot name her
Was it Cathy Piriano?
My lips are sealed
Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?
Please, Father, I cannot tell you.
The priest sighs in frustration.
You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months
Now you go and behave yourself.
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, What'd you get?
Four months vacation and five good leads.
Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose woman.
The priest asks, Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?
Yes, Father, it is.
And who was the woman you were with?
I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.
Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Tina Minetti?
I cannot say.
Was it Teresa Volpe?
I'll never tell.
Was it Nina Capelli?
I'm sorry, but I cannot name her
Was it Cathy Piriano?
My lips are sealed
Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?
Please, Father, I cannot tell you.
The priest sighs in frustration.
You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months
Now you go and behave yourself.
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, What'd you get?
Four months vacation and five good leads.
I Think Sal Is Dead....
Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting. Suddenly Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground.He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Vinny whips out his cell phone and dials 911. He gasps to the operator: ‘I think Sal is dead! What should I do?’ The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: ’Just take it easy and follow my instructions: ‘First, let’s make sure he’s dead.’ There is a long silence …….and then a shot is heard. Vinny’s voice comes back on the line: ”Okay… now what?’ |
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood barbershop to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi. How was'a da treep?"
Luigi said, "Ever'thing was'a perfect except for da train'a ride down."
"What'a you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
"Well, we board'a da train at Grand Central'a Station. My beautiful'a Virginia had packed a big'a basket a food with vino and cigars for'a me, and'a we were looking 'aforward to da trip. All was OK until we got'a hungry and opened up'a da lunch'a basket.
"The conductor came by, wagged his'a finger at us and'a say, 'No eat in dese'a car. Must'a use'a dining car.'
"So, me and my beautiful'a Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a big'a lunch and begin to open'a bottle of vino.
Conductor come again, wag his'a finger and say, 'No drink'a in dese'a car. Must'a use'a club'a car.'
"So we go to club'a car. While'a drinking vino, I start to light'a my big'a cigar.
The conductor, he wag'a his finger again and say, 'No smoke'a in dese'a car. Must'a go to smoker car.'
"We go to smoker car and I smoke'a my cigar.
Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car and'a go to bed.
And then here come’a the conductor, he come'a through the car yelling, 'NO-FOLK'A, VIRGINIA!'"
Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi. How was'a da treep?"
Luigi said, "Ever'thing was'a perfect except for da train'a ride down."
"What'a you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
"Well, we board'a da train at Grand Central'a Station. My beautiful'a Virginia had packed a big'a basket a food with vino and cigars for'a me, and'a we were looking 'aforward to da trip. All was OK until we got'a hungry and opened up'a da lunch'a basket.
"The conductor came by, wagged his'a finger at us and'a say, 'No eat in dese'a car. Must'a use'a dining car.'
"So, me and my beautiful'a Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a big'a lunch and begin to open'a bottle of vino.
Conductor come again, wag his'a finger and say, 'No drink'a in dese'a car. Must'a use'a club'a car.'
"So we go to club'a car. While'a drinking vino, I start to light'a my big'a cigar.
The conductor, he wag'a his finger again and say, 'No smoke'a in dese'a car. Must'a go to smoker car.'
"We go to smoker car and I smoke'a my cigar.
Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car and'a go to bed.
And then here come’a the conductor, he come'a through the car yelling, 'NO-FOLK'A, VIRGINIA!'"
An italian man walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son.
The kid is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth.
As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat.
He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and the Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.
A middle-aged, fairly unremarkable Italian man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter.
He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market.
Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but just barely) the Italian man carefully takes hold of the kid's testicles and squeezes gently but firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25 cent piece, which the man catches in his free hand.
Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects,the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him.
The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the father's thanks.
As the man is about to leave, the father asks one last question: "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something like that?"
"Oh, good heavens, no", the man replies, "I work for the IRS."
The kid is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth.
As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat.
He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and the Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.
A middle-aged, fairly unremarkable Italian man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter.
He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market.
Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but just barely) the Italian man carefully takes hold of the kid's testicles and squeezes gently but firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25 cent piece, which the man catches in his free hand.
Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects,the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him.
The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the father's thanks.
As the man is about to leave, the father asks one last question: "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something like that?"
"Oh, good heavens, no", the man replies, "I work for the IRS."
Giuseppe walks into work, and he says, "Ey, Tony! You know who's-a George Washington?"
Tony says, "No, Giuseppe, who's-a George Washington?"
He says, "Hah! George-a Washington's the first-a President of-a United States.
I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."
A couple of days later, Giuseppe walks into work and says."Ey, Tony, you know who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"
Tony says, "No, Giuseppe, who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"
He says, "Hah! Abraham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a the United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."
A guy in the back of the shop yells, "Yo, Giuseppe . . . you know who Fishlips Lorenzo is?"
He says, "No. Who's-a Fishlips Lorenzo is?"
The guy yells, "That's the guy who's seein’ your wife while you're in night school."
Tony says, "No, Giuseppe, who's-a George Washington?"
He says, "Hah! George-a Washington's the first-a President of-a United States.
I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."
A couple of days later, Giuseppe walks into work and says."Ey, Tony, you know who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"
Tony says, "No, Giuseppe, who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"
He says, "Hah! Abraham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a the United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."
A guy in the back of the shop yells, "Yo, Giuseppe . . . you know who Fishlips Lorenzo is?"
He says, "No. Who's-a Fishlips Lorenzo is?"
The guy yells, "That's the guy who's seein’ your wife while you're in night school."
An Italian man immigrates to America. He starts sweeping floors in a pizzeria, and after 15 years works his way up to owning a small chain of pizzerias. He decides to have his own house designed and built for him. And it is going to have everything!
One day he is talking to the contractor and said, "Makea you sure you puta plenty da halo statues inna da house. I wanna hava lotsa da halo statues. One inna every room, even da bathroom."
The contractor, realizing his client must be a very religious person, carefully plans a niche in every room, and personally searches for the perfect statue for each niche.
Finally, the house is finished. The Italian man walks through his new home for the first time.
The contractor points out all the features, and finally the Italian man said, "But wherea are alluh myhalo statues?
I wanna lotsa halo statues!" And the contractor points to the niches and said, "I put a statuein every room, like you asked."
The Italian replies, "No, no, no! I donna no wanna nonea daSaintas. I wanna da Halo Statues!
You knowa da Halo Statues? Deya ring anda you picka dem up, anna you say, halo 'stat you?"
One day he is talking to the contractor and said, "Makea you sure you puta plenty da halo statues inna da house. I wanna hava lotsa da halo statues. One inna every room, even da bathroom."
The contractor, realizing his client must be a very religious person, carefully plans a niche in every room, and personally searches for the perfect statue for each niche.
Finally, the house is finished. The Italian man walks through his new home for the first time.
The contractor points out all the features, and finally the Italian man said, "But wherea are alluh myhalo statues?
I wanna lotsa halo statues!" And the contractor points to the niches and said, "I put a statuein every room, like you asked."
The Italian replies, "No, no, no! I donna no wanna nonea daSaintas. I wanna da Halo Statues!
You knowa da Halo Statues? Deya ring anda you picka dem up, anna you say, halo 'stat you?"
Francis and Isabella were having their usual battle of the sexes.
"Italian men are all stupid," screamed Isabella
"Oh, yeah?" yelled her husband. "I'll have you know it was an Italian man who invented the toilet seat!"
"And I'll have you know," said his wife, "it was an Italian woman who thought of putting a hole in it!"
"Italian men are all stupid," screamed Isabella
"Oh, yeah?" yelled her husband. "I'll have you know it was an Italian man who invented the toilet seat!"
"And I'll have you know," said his wife, "it was an Italian woman who thought of putting a hole in it!"
Italian Wedding Night
Sophie just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Sophie. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luca took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophie ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Sophie", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luca took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophie ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luca took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luca took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophie saw this, she ran downstairs.
"Mama, Mama, Luca's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luca took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophie ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Sophie", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luca took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophie ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luca took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luca took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophie saw this, she ran downstairs.
"Mama, Mama, Luca's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!
Young Mario lived in Italy and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up saying, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Mario replied,’ Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Mario said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'what ya gonna do with a dead donkey?
Mario said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, you can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Mario said, 'Sure I can, I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Mario and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Mario said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and I made a profit of $898.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Mario said, 'Just the guy who won, so I gave him his $2 back.'
Mario now works for the government.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up saying, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Mario replied,’ Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Mario said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'what ya gonna do with a dead donkey?
Mario said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, you can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Mario said, 'Sure I can, I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Mario and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Mario said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and I made a profit of $898.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Mario said, 'Just the guy who won, so I gave him his $2 back.'
Mario now works for the government.