Laughter Keeps Us Young......(3)
"Laugh a lot. A good sense of humor cures almost all of life's ills."
From Life's Little Instruction Book
By H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
From Life's Little Instruction Book
By H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Fun Video's (To view click on the image)
A HOLIDAY DINNER PARTY
(Thank you Liz W.)
(Thank you Liz W.)
Seniors:
Hints on how to liven up your idle hours...
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your
Parked Car With Sunglasses on
and point a Hair Dryer At Passing
Cars...watch 'em Slow Down!
2. On all your check stubs,
write ' For Marijuana'!
3. Skip down the street Rather
Than Walk and see how many
looks you get.
4. Order a Diet Water whenever
you go out to eat, with a serious
face.
5. Sing Along At The Opera.
6. When The Money Comes
Out of The ATM, Scream
'I Won! I Won!'
7. When Leaving the Zoo, start
Running towards the Car Park,
Yelling 'Run For Your Lives!
They're Loose!'
8. Tell Your Children over
dinner: 'Due to the economy,
we are going to have to let one
of you go...
And The Final Way To Keep A
Healthy Level Of Insanity:
9.. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE
PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK
WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
Send This E-mail To Someone
To Make Them Smile.
It's called 'therapy'!
Hints on how to liven up your idle hours...
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your
Parked Car With Sunglasses on
and point a Hair Dryer At Passing
Cars...watch 'em Slow Down!
2. On all your check stubs,
write ' For Marijuana'!
3. Skip down the street Rather
Than Walk and see how many
looks you get.
4. Order a Diet Water whenever
you go out to eat, with a serious
face.
5. Sing Along At The Opera.
6. When The Money Comes
Out of The ATM, Scream
'I Won! I Won!'
7. When Leaving the Zoo, start
Running towards the Car Park,
Yelling 'Run For Your Lives!
They're Loose!'
8. Tell Your Children over
dinner: 'Due to the economy,
we are going to have to let one
of you go...
And The Final Way To Keep A
Healthy Level Of Insanity:
9.. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE
PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK
WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
Send This E-mail To Someone
To Make Them Smile.
It's called 'therapy'!
In The Same Vane....Stress Managment
A young lady confidently walked around the room with a raised glass of water while leading a seminar and explaining stress management to her audience. Everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'Half empty or half full?' She fooled them all. "How heavy is this glass of water?" she inquired with a smile. Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. To 20 oz.
She replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.
If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."
She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."
"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced.
So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don't carry them through the evening and into the night. Pick them up again tomorrow if you must.
1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!
2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
4 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.
5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
8 * Never buy a car you can't push.
9.* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.
13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
19 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY
20 *Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate!*
(E-mailed to me by Liz W.)
A young lady confidently walked around the room with a raised glass of water while leading a seminar and explaining stress management to her audience. Everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'Half empty or half full?' She fooled them all. "How heavy is this glass of water?" she inquired with a smile. Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. To 20 oz.
She replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.
If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."
She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."
"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced.
So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don't carry them through the evening and into the night. Pick them up again tomorrow if you must.
1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!
2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
4 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.
5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
8 * Never buy a car you can't push.
9.* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.
13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
19 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY
20 *Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate!*
(E-mailed to me by Liz W.)
Cardiologist and the Motor Mechanic
A motor mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a BMW M3 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the BMW. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is that I make $40,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.....
"Try doing it with the engine running."
(Thank You Marty M.)
A motor mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a BMW M3 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the BMW. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is that I make $40,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.....
"Try doing it with the engine running."
(Thank You Marty M.)
Fun Video's (To view click on the image)
If your young you will probably find this speech funny and some points hilarious! If you are older (which I am) you will find this speech profound and also hilarious!
(Thank you Art B.)
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000. The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home. The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????" The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!"
Laughter is the best medicine (Jayne M.)
A pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous. Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."
It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough from their laughter for the worship service to be continued.
A pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous. Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."
It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough from their laughter for the worship service to be continued.
Standup Comedians and Comediennes...full versions
(click on image to view)
Flight Announcement (Art B.)......
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and.........OH... MY GOD!" Silence followed. Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled..."For the luva Jaysus...you should see the back of mine!"
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and.........OH... MY GOD!" Silence followed. Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled..."For the luva Jaysus...you should see the back of mine!"
Again In The Same Vane.......
Sniffing Dog (Art B.)
A man had just boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. 'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.' The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.' He told Sniffer to 'Search'. Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm. The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land. 'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' said his seat mate. The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'Search' again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to crap all over the place. The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and
couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.
So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?' The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'
A man had just boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. 'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.' The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.' He told Sniffer to 'Search'. Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm. The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land. 'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' said his seat mate. The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'Search' again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to crap all over the place. The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and
couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.
So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?' The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'
How A Christmas Tradition Started...(Art B.)
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heavens,knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked , the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw of the end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to put it?" And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. Not Many people know this. |
The Law of......
1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee. 2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe. 3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. 4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal - and someone always answers. 6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). 7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. 8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. 9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!! 10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. 11. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk. 12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. 13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. 14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug. 15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about. 16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly. 17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking --A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!!! 18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. 19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick. The If you don't forward this to your friends within the next 5 minutes - your belly button will unscrew - and your butt will fall off. Comedy Shows (Full Episodes)
(CLICK ON IMAGES TO VIEW) |
Two Irish Nuns.....thanks again to (E.I.W.)
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat, and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs." "Odd", her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling, "Hot Dogs, Get your dogs here," and they both walk towards the hot dog cart. "Two dogs please ," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.
Excited, the nuns hurry back to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush, and then, after staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and in a soft brogue whispers, "What part did you get?"
I Owe My Mother
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
>19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
> 20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
> And my favorite:
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
>Only you folks my age understand these profound statements!!!
But, there is one missing from this list ~~ My personal all time favorite!!
My mother taught me about CHOICE.
"Do you want me to stop this car?"
(Thanks Lynne M.)
|
Italian Fire Department One dark night in the small town of Roselle Park, New Jersey, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the first firefighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.' But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president announced that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000! Suddenly, from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Peterstown section of Elizabeth, NJ . This fire department was composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno! Outside, the other firefighters watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes. The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment, he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters. A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?' 'Wella,' said Chief Pasquale De Luccinelli, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de fursta tinga we gonna do isza fixa de brakes on dat damn truck!!' (Liz W.) |
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